Close Encounter With A Narcissist – Part 3 August 15, 2008
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Health, Life, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Personality Disorders, Sam Vaknin
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Please read/reread “Close Encounter with a Narcissist – Parts 1 & 2” before reading Part 3. These are usually featured in Top Posts in the column at the right. If not, you can access them through Tags or Categories under Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Scroll down through Part 3 to reach Parts 1 & 2. Note: In Part 3, I’ll refer to a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) simply as a narcissist. Again, I’ll refer to the narcissist as “he,” as the majority of narcissists are male.
Looking back on my own close encounter with a narcissist, I can see the Red Flags were there early on. In my gut, I knew there was something “off” about my friend Joe. But I had trouble putting my finger on just what IT was. The more time I spent with him, it became painfully obvious how illogical Joe’s reasoning was – it just didn’t jibe with “human” logic. He also seemed enamored with himself and professed to having many talents. I once teased Joe that he was “self-absorbed.” But I wasn’t teasing – merely making an observation. For the first time, the word narcissist popped into my head.
Red Flag #1 – Grandiosity
Ah, yes. Grandiosity and its sidekick Magical Thinking. While there is an overlap with other personality disorders when it comes to Lack of Empathy; it is Grandiosity that distinguishes Narcissistic Personality Disorder from all of the other personality disorders. Grandiosity is the jewel in the crown that makes the narcissist so very special.
According to the DSM-IV, “The essential feature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.
“Individuals with NPD routinely overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, often appearing boastful and pretentious. They may blithely assume others attribute the same value to their efforts and may be surprised when the praise they expect and feel they deserve is not forthcoming.”
An admitted “seminar junkie,” Joe shared with me a dizzying array of plans he had that would bring him money, recognition, or just a change in scenery. After hearing these change weekly, I began writing down all of the things Joe was going to do “some day.” When you’re a teenager, or even in your twenties, this kind of daydreaming is normal. But not in your forties.
Narcissists love to envision grand scenarios starring – themselves! What they lack is the follow-through to make them reality. Why do narcissists indulge in this kind of thinking? Just thinking of all of the great things they’re “going to do” brings a smile to their face. Think of it as mental masturbation.
One day I told Joe I believed the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Not that people can’t change, but barring some life-changing epiphany, most people are creatures of habit. Joe vehemently disagreed. You see, the narcissist’s grandiosity goes hand-in-hand with Magical Thinking. Joe was big on the book The Secret, which holds that all you have to do is think positive thoughts and good things will happen. Now, I’m all for positive thinking and I like to think karma will come round, but Magical Thinking goes above and beyond. When you’re a narcissist, though, fairy tales can come true (besides, they’re already wearing that crown).
Here’s an example of grandiosity. Joe was considering taking a freelance job on the side. He’d never done this sort of work, but narcissists are convinced they can do anything. I warned Joe he could be getting in over his head, but he took the job anyway. Three weeks later, he came to me in a panic. Not only had he screwed up the job, he was being asked to refund the money he’d been paid, since someone else would now have to fix his mess. His client had mentioned the “L” word – lawyer. It was the first time I’d seen Joe visibly shaken.
Now, on some level, Joe knew he’d screwed up, but he refused to accept any responsibility. As I listened to him talk aloud about the botched job, I watched him mentally rewrite the scenario of what happened. It wasn’t his fault – It was that stupid woman who hired him. You see, narcissists are NEVER, EVER wrong. So, if a narcissist ever tells you he was wrong about something (a very human trait), brace yourself. Most likely he’s getting ready to do something really nasty – to you.
Red Flag #2 – Lack of Empathy
Empathy is what makes us human. We can put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and share their joy or feel their pain. But a narcissist has only one one pair of shoes – and they fit PERFECTLY. Human emotions confound narcissists and make them uncomfortable. They don’t know the right thing to say. They’ve watched humans, so they know what they’re supposed to say, but it doesn’t come naturally. This explains their often odd and insensitive comments (The Inappropriate Effect). Any talk of feelings is just so – icky! Joe was quick to point out he hated “girlie girls” or anyone who was “touchy feely.” He dismissed anything tinged with emotion as “drama.” What was funny was although Joe said he hated drama, it was his own bad behavior that sparked all of the drama in his life.
Joe often said he was “too nice.” He could talk a good game, lamenting the injustices in the world, as if he genuinely cared. But it was just that – talk.
I once listened to Joe make a comment to a young woman. They’d worked together, and supposedly were friends. The comment was about her body and had a sexual undertone. It left her visibly distressed. Now, any normal person, seeing her reaction would have immediately apologized for hurting her feelings. But what did “I’m too nice” Joe do? He sat across the table from her for the next hour and never opened his mouth. Later, I asked why he would say such an insensitive thing. He shrugged and admitted it was a cheap shot, but added, smiling, ”It was so easy – that’s what made it so much fun.” It was creepy.
When I talked to the woman several days later, SHE apologized to me! ”I’m sorry I got so upset,” she said. ”I know the way Joe is, so I shouldn’t have let it bother me so much.” Can you see how a narcissist gets away with such behavior? People make excuses for him! ”That’s just the way he is,” they say, while mentally adding another tally mark after the word @sshole.
Asking a narcissist to “have a heart” has just the opposite effect. Reasoning with them also falls on deaf ears. A narcissist doesn’t want to change because there’s nothing wrong with him. YOU are the one with the problem, remember?
Red Flag #3 – Confusing Communication
Communication (or should I say lack of genuine communication) with a narcissist is a crazy-making experience. Humans communicate to share information, ideas, and feelings. Not so the narcissist, who uses words to confuse and paralyze his victim. Narcissists don’t like to play their nasty games on a level playing field. Their cryptic comments are designed to keep their victim constantly confused and wondering, “What did THAT mean?” This tactic gives the narcissist “the home team advantage.”
Any attempt to discuss feelings with a narcissist is doomed to leave the victim not knowing left from right. Joe had a short list of pronouncements that could derail any conversation: “Can’t you take a joke?” ”But, no one got hurt!” ”Why do you bother talking about that? It’s in the past!” (yesterday constituted ‘the past’) “If you’d just behave!” ”I’m really busy, so is this life or death?” or his ultimate putdown, “You’re such a drama queen!”
If you know a narcissist, you already know the kind of comments I’m talking about. They’re the equivalent to a teenager’s dismissive, “Whatever!” or the “Talk to the Hand” gesture.
When cornered, a narcissist is like the cartoon character who, when in danger, magically produces a pencil, quickly draws a door, and makes a hasty exit. When I read Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen, a French psychiatrist whose specialty is victimology, it was her chapter on Communication and the narcissist that hit a nerve. The verbal roller coaster, with all its twists and turns, came to a screeching halt and I decided then it was time to get off the ride. It was no longer exciting – it was making me sick.
Cerebral and Somatic – Sex as in “Table for One, Please”
Narcissists get their admiration, or Narcissistic Supply (NS), in one of two forms. Cerebral narcissists gain NS through their intellect, that is, by being “an authority.” Somatic narcissists may be equally intelligent, but they satisfy their need for NS through sexual conquests.
Both kinds of narcissist prefer autoerotic sex – masturbation – to sex with a flesh-and-blood woman. That’s because a real woman expects you to talk to her, or even worse, cuddle, after the main event. Remember, the narcissist can’t establish a genuine emotional bond with another human so he finds these feelings unnatural and awkward. Faking it is hard work, and he’d just as soon get up and watch TV or check his email. You served your purpose and now he’s done with you. It’s like he had to blow his nose – and the Kleenex? Well, that would be you. He’ll toss it/you aside until he needs to blow his nose again. Romantic, huh?
Cerebral narcissists can put on a show during the idealization phase, but quickly lose all interest in sex. They’re essentially asexual. They derive pleasure from frustrating their partner by withholding sex. This gives them a feeling of power. Besides, to them, not only is sex down and dirty – it’s just so common. They’re way too special to engage in such a common pursuit. So they can do without.
Despite Joe’s love of sexual innuendo, I realized when it came to women, he was like my dogs when it comes to cats. My dogs love the chase, but if the cat stops running, they just stand there, looking rather embarrassed about what to do next. After a short impasse, they wander off to look for another cat that will run from them. Remember, it’s the chase that the narcissist loves.
A somatic narcissist, on the other hand, is like the town dog always making his rounds. But it’s not just his infidelity, and the accompanying lies, that are so disturbing. It’s his irrational rationale. ”You made me do it” so “It’s not my fault.” (I apologize to all dogs for comparing them to a narcissist. Dogs are infinitely more caring and human than any narcissist could ever hope to be).
The Myth of Curing the Narcissist
Remember the blanket analogy from Part 1? A person doesn’t HAVE a personality disorder, they ARE the personality disorder. Narcissism in interwoven into every fiber of that blanket. Unravel the blanket and you unravel their personality.
If you’re a woman, you’re most likely a nurturer and think that with enough patience and love, someone or something can be helped. It’s that “I’ll nurse this fallen baby bird back to health using a medicine dropper!” thing. Sound familiar?
Even after I figured out that Joe had NPD, I was convinced if I could just reconnect with that inner child that was hiding deep inside, he’d feel safe to come out and show me his real face. Olly, olly, oxen free! Some call this logic “Peeling an Onion.” The rescuer thinks, “If I can just peel away the layers of hurt, I can get to the core of the problem, and I can help him heal.” But what’s at the core of an onion? Ah ha! That’s a trick question, because an onion has no core. Not to mention that peeling an onion makes YOU cry, while the onion feels nothing.
Know this. That wounded child’s True Self might as well be preserved in amber. It’s fossilized and will never ever develop. Besides, a narcissist doesn’t want to be fixed because he’s convinced he’s fine just the way he is. It’s YOU who has the problem, remember?
So, least you forget, write this on a post-it note and put it up on the refrigerator: NO NARCISSIST HAS EVER BEEN CURED! (I’ve since written more about this. See Can a Narcissist be Cured?)
Discarded and Scarred – Life After the Narcissist
I was only involved with Joe for four months and we were just “friends.” (Friends is in quotations because narcissists don’t have any real friends). Joe had proven himself to be a first class @sshole on so many occasions. He showed absolutely no interest in me as a person – only in what I could do for him. He’d solicited advice, ignored it, then punished me for offering it. So why couldn’t I just “move on?” I knew WHAT he was. I knew there was NO CURE. But still…
First, it was hard to forget how much I enjoyed Joe’s company during the Idealization phase. He’d bound up to me like an eager puppy wagging its tail. It was hard to believe this was an act, or just the giddiness that went with honing in on a new source of NS. It seemed so real – to me.
But, the most painful part was the feeling of betrayal – of being duped. It’s hard to admit that you were just a “thing” with an expiration date, especially to a person you genuinely cared about. You want to think that when all is said and done at the end of the day, you were special. But you are special, and that’s why the narcissist targeted you.
I was angry with Joe, but I was angriest with myself. I’m a confident person with strong boundaries, so how could I have let this happen? This was all a game for Joe. But then he had an advantage because he’d played this game many times before. He knew the rules. Hell, I didn’t even know it was a game!
A word of warning: A narcissist will never give his victim the validation they so desperately seek, or closure. This final act of control and cruelty leaves his victim hanging and twisting in the wind. This brings a smile to the narcissist’s face.
I’ve forgiven myself. As a caring person, I only did what came naturally. I saw someone who was lonely and seemed to be in pain, and I reached out to help them. But Joe didn’t want or need my help, because he’s perfect just the way he is. So, you see, I’m the one with the problem. But it’s a problem I can live with. It’s called being human. And that, my friends, is what I learned from MY close encounter with a narcissist.
Acknowledgements
It was Joe’s self-involvement that led me to Google “narcissism.” Who would have known there were so many others on-line looking for answers?
Sam Vaknin’s book Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited was a revelation. How could anyone not know Sam? A narcissist, he’s everywhere on the internet. I’m just glad a life crisis forced him to venture out into the light of day long enough to write this seminal book. Although I jokingly refer to Sam as the Head Vampire, he has shed such light into the darkness that is NPD. I’m only sorry I forwarded my highlighted version to Joe, who will never read it (I imagine he uses it to prop up the very short leg of a table).
Marie-France Hirigoyen’s book, Stalking the Soul, was a godsend. I ordered a used copy from Amazon.
I first found on-line support through Careplace’s NPD community. Several of the on-line friends I met there are now my real-life friends, and I kiss the ground for my good fortune.
The members of MSN Groups Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum constantly amaze me with their wisdom, insight, and yes, humor. It’s inspiring to see how people can gain strength from each other’s experiences, cry, learn, laugh, and move forward. Special thanks to Femfree, the forum manager, for posting the link to my blog.
Finally, thanks to all those near and dear to me. You know who your are. Your patience and support has made me realize how incredibly rich I am.
Looking to the Future
I always thought that as soon as I finished writing Close Encounter with a Narcissist I’d be DONE! But I’m a teacher, remember? And there’s still so much work to be done to educate the public about this devastating disorder. So, I WILL be writing future posts on NPD. If you’d like to check in from time to time, please bookmark my site. Peace.
Posts since written – You’ll find them in Categories or Tags under Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Can a Narcissist be Cured?
The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #1, 2, and 3.
You’ll find these in Categories under Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Thank you so much for this series. The public definitely needs education. Even with a prominent politician recently announcing or confessing he’s a narcissist (after getting caught doing something stupid), there was little in the media about what narcissism actually means and why it’s dangerous. And most importantly to our own mental health, you’ve written why it’s important to avoid narcissists. They can’t be cured, and they will only cause misery. I look forward to more on NPD from you.
Yes, thanks for sharing this — it’s definitely something that isn’t talked about enough.
I am the child of a textbook classic narcissist, and the only thing that saved me from developing a complementary dependent personality disorder was that I developed a multiple personality disorder instead, to cope with the unbelievable emotional abuse, lack of safety, lack of stability, and complete, utter, continual destruction of my sense of self. The only thing I’m grateful for is that for some reason, I saw through him and hated him from a very early age. But that, alas, was not enough to save me.
Oh, and I meant to add … yes, you’re absolutely right that they can’t be cured. It’s bad enough when a well-meaning, caretaking woman ends up with one of these black holes of emotional vampirism, but for the love of God, for the love of all that’s good in the world, DO NOT CHOOSE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE TO HAVE A CHILD WITH. Fatherhood/motherhood doesn’t make them better people. It just destroys the child.
Davidrochester –
It pains me so much to hear the hurt in your voice from having been raised by a narcissistic parent. I have a relative who has eight children by her narcissistic ex-husband. She is religious and thought if she just provided the perfect family life, he’d finally love and connect with her and his family. Instead, she now is helping her children deal with their indifferent and distant (emotionally and physically) father. Children are so quick to blame themselves, though they are the innocents in this tragedy.
“Joe” once approached me and asked at what age a woman was most likely to get pregnant. The not-so-subtle message was he’d like to father a child, so he needed to know where to cast his net. This was the first time I blurted out, “You’d make a horrible father. You’re so self-absorbed! Jan
Jan-
Once again bravo girlfriend.
I still find it amazing that those of us that were so badly abused by Narcissists have been able to turn it around. That what was evil, that what was meant to destroy us, we’ve turned around for good.
I know we all share the wish that our words as a whole will help hundreds of others.
Jan –
Had to leave another message for you — thank you SO much for your talent and ability to dissect your very personal painful journey. I have read every book, magazine article, and internet post on narcissism I have been able to find. Your three postings are the most enlightening writing that I have experienced. It’s as if you had been there with me during all my years of this hell. I have said many times that I wish I could show some physical scar to the world — perhaps then, others could somehow completely understand the emotional abuse I endured. You have been able to document this abuse — if not in physical scars — at least in meaningful thought-provoking words that paint a vivid picture of a narcissist’s aftermath. Again I thank you.
Susan -
It was exhausting writing about this whole experience so your comment means the world to me!
Jan
Jan…hardly know what to say… i was agreeing the whole way through!
Im slowly getting through my N experience, as you know. I’m so glad i found you on the Careplace and MSN boards! I love your blog and these N topics have been especially helpful.
Its all so crazy making.
This whole series has been very difficult for you to write, i know… good to read youll be posting more still, as this topic is HUGE.
Well done!
HUGS
My metaphor for this situation is the tar-baby from Briar Rabbit. For those that have dealt with these people, the simple act of discussing it pulls the energy out of you and leaves you feeling you need to wash. The more you fight them, the more stuck you get.
After years of counseling the neuro-psychologist finally sat me down and told my wife was narcissistic.
I consider myself fortunate. For years the advice I got was always, try harder to communicate, you’re a guy show more empathy, give more, etc etc. The more you try to do what most people perceive as the right thing, the more you open yourself to evil.
Here’s a quote that should be memorized by everyone encountering these people:
“Using Emotional Intelligence to deal with an individual that has an agenda puts you in harm’s way.”
I’m a father that works out of the home. After seeing what goes on in the neighborhoods I think there are as many women as men, with this condition. They simply operate differently.
For me one of the more difficult aspects of having lived through this experience is the inabilitity to communicate with or to people that have not experienced it.
When I hear someone is fun, charming, charismatic along with terms indicating self involvement, flags go up all over the place. Danger someone is going to be harmed. I’m learning to be very quiet and listen intently.
Wonderful article ———- Thank you
John
John-
Your metaphor is so true as their nastiness tends to rub off on you, yet it’s usually the victim who’s left wondering what THEY did wrong. And you’re so right. You can’t use “Emotional Intelligence” with someone who has none. I also think you’re correct when you say that women with NPD operate differently. It gives new meaning to the phrase, “It’s like trying to get blood from a stone.”
Jan, It has taken me several days to read through all of this, but well worth it. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all this. I have known several people in my lifetime with NPD (haven’t we all?) Unfortunately for me, I was married to one for 24 years. I didn’t figure out that it was HIM and not ME until after the divorce.
I want to share with you a classic NPD utterance. I had just found out I had cancer. We were sitting in the car, still at the Dr.’s office. He turned to me and instead of comfort (which I never got, go figure) he said, with ‘tone’…. “Now don’t go blabbing this to everyone you know, like you always do, Ginger.”
Confused, thinking he was ashamed of me, I asked why.
“Because, GINGER!” he said, rolling eyes and sighing as if should be OBVIOUS, even to an idiot like me. “I want to get some life insurance on you, and if you go running off at the mouth about having cancer, I won’t be able to.”
I think that was the moment when I knew I had to divorce him.
I do hope you continue with your series.
There are so many others out there trying to understand what they have done to be treated so coldly, people trying to ‘help’ and save their beloved partners.
You will enable these people to realise they are not alone, and give them strength to escape the abuse.
Thankyou
Jan-
I was re-reading this post today and saw for the first time the line, “Thing with an expiration date.” That is so true. I wish I had known then that my “Best if used by date” was fast approaching. I could have made my escape from his refrigerator of devalue and discard.
Thanks again.
Just realized that my ex is a narcissist. That explains the no affection and feeling of no love from him. I think his father is a narcissist with the perfect wife. She constantly builds him up even when it is a total lie. My ex left me for another woman. The irony is all of this is I believe she is a histrionic who left her narcissistic husband for mine. Good Luck and Good Riddance to bad rubbish!
My forty years of marriage has been a roller coaster ride. Punctuated by many occurrences of being pushed away and then pulled back in. Can you imagine what a fish would feel like if once you got it to the bank you played the line back out and then reeled it in again and again?
I’ve accepted the fact that my wife will never show true affection for me. All I can do at this point in my life is use the knowledge of what I’ve learned about NPD to better live with it. Funny thing is if I were reading my life as if it was someone else I’d tell them to get out at any age.
Flyaway-
I’ve learned so much more about women with NPD through the comments men have left. Thank you. Sometimes I think men are more likely to suffer alone unless they have a close friend or relative they feel comfortable talking to about “what’s wrong.” (And unfortunately, most people we do talk to don’t have a clue about this disorder).
Now you know it’s not YOU. But 40 years of push and pull would leave anyone exhausted and sad for “what might have been.” I think it’s easy to tell people to “get out at any age,” but easier said than done. I hope your newfound knowledge helps you better “live with it,” but also helps you realize that you’ll never feel true love or appreciation within your marriage. As humans, those are genuine feelings we NEED (and deserve) to feel at any age. Jan
Just wondering if the grandiosity in N’s is always apparent. I live with someone who fits most of the descriptors, other than the grandiosity. Can the grandiosity be in their thoughts and not necessarily external?
Jack-
Thanks for getting back. When I was first mulling over whether Joe actually had NPD, I often consulted Sam Vaknin’s site (google “Sam Vaknin grandiosity” and you’ll be set with reading for the rest of the weekend!). I also highly recommend Halycon, which is on my blogroll. It has a list of traits that had me laughing out loud because Joe possessed so many of them.
But, keep in mind that although Ns are the same at the core, the disorder can look different from person to person. (Just like a designer dress!) I say this because when I originally read some of the diagnostic criteria, I thought, “Oh no, that doesn’t apply! Joe’s not a chronic liar.” Only later I realized he lied by omission, so yes it DID apply.
I originally envisioned a person with “grandiosity” as a pompous ass who walked into the room and proceeded to dominate the conversation. In short, a larger than life character. On the contrary, Joe was socially awkward – an observer on the outside looking in. But his grandiosity was one of the things that screamed NPD. His grandiosity was an ongoing inner dialogue. (Like an RSS feed). I think I just had the “privilege” of listening in to this inner dialogue because I was a willing listener. Most people found Joe somewhat of a bore and begged off.
“theotherbed2″ added a wonderful comment below that SO nails it. I kept a list of all the things Joe said he was going to do and when it hit 15, I had to sit back and laugh because there was absolutely no follow through. Big plans, but it was all talk.
Concerning your original comment on the other thread. Keep in mind that narcissists are frozen at the emotional maturity level of a small child so they are FOREVER immature. And, people don’t just go away and come back healed (cue snap of the finger audio). It’s an arduous process – one step at a time.
So please check out the above sites. No matter what conclusion you reach in regards to a diagnosis of NPD, ultimately you have to ask yourself, “How does this person make me feel about myself? Do they genuinely care about me?” If so, that caring will manifest itself in their actions – not just in words.
My take on the grandiosity thing–after living with an N for 30+ years–is that yes, it is an internal truth for them, but they are aware of the loser within. In fact, much of the posturing seems to be a way to totally bury and deny that loser because it scares the s**t out of them.
I have about a million examples, but here’s a recent one. My Nh recently made a pocket call to me. I listened for about 20 minutes while he expounded on his many stellar accomplishments to a poor barista who’s only job was to fix him a latte! It was so extreme that I expected him at any moment to claim to be a decorated vet, an honored fireman, and maybe a research scientist working on a cure for cancer!
See, I had postulated that with OW, he was SuperFrank (not his real name), always on, always seductive, a veritable Knight in Shining Armor. I have seen him pour this on right in front of me, but doubted my senses. But I guess he needs to impress EVERYBODY–male, female, young, old, fat, skinny–anybody that moves.
As for the monster thing–I have never used that word. But he, when denying something, will say, “only a monster would do that”, and then it turns out to be true!
I was so glad to come here this morning and be reminded of all this. My problem was, I was reacting to each slap upside the head as if it were a singular event, i.e. why is there an OW’s bra in my drawer? I can’t present evidence to him, no matter how tangible, because he goes into a rage and says things that totally pull the rug out from under me. Stalking the Soul describes the paralyzation we experience when bombarded with rageful irrationality. I have come to see the whole panorama of what he is, and how I have become trapped in it.
Oooops. Gotta go.
theotherbed2 -
Thanks for making my day! Your description of “SuperFrank” trying so hard to impress the barista is classic. Several times when I was with Joe, I saw him “turn on the charm.” It was so obvious/obnoxious that it was painful for me to watch the women squirm. It was as though they’d gotten a whiff of his cologne, and recognized that he was wearing “Loser.” Stalking the Soul is such an affirming book, that I recommend it to anyone who’s dealt with a narcissist.
I have realized that my sister is NPD. It would be too draining to write all the NPD-like traits she has revealed…but maybe one day I will write it down. We are both still young — she is older than me, but we are both in our 20s. The only way I can feel okay when she visits for the holidays is too maintain as much distance, both emotionally and physically, between us as possible. But when that happens, she starts her syrupy sweet personality, saying things like “Do you like me?” and laughing loudly and fakely. Then, when I start feeling guilty for being so “distant” [which I did in the first place to ensure my mental health]. I will do things with her, like go see a movie, or talk — and then hours or a day later, the slightest provocation will send her on a rage, making me feel like I did something horribly wrong/am a horrible person. She can also be horribly cruel to my parents, but in bizarre ways — she’ll be super nice [and obviously fake] so they will buy her something expensive that she “needs”, and then be super mean to them afterwards. She has no friends here in our hometown [gee, I wonder why], while I have kept in touch with many of my old friends, so at least I have an escape. Ugh, I feel like crying, she’s so insane. I remember one day I went on a nature hike with her, and then she kept deliberately walking really slowly and behind me, and then became enraged saying that I was trying to walk faster than her and didn’t want to spend time with her [even though we had just gone on a two-hour long nature hike]. Then she ended up throwing her keys at me, at which point I told her she had to grow up, and she became even more enraged, chasing me into my bedroom and saying “You don’t know how to fight!” I don’t recall all the details, but it was such a confusing, bizarre, hurtful experience I could only sob. I know realize that I really just have to keep my distance from her at all times and politely decline any invitation she might offer [which is inevitably a way for her to get close and then start a bizarre fight]. i am also confused about her constant transition beween a sickly-sweet, “cute” personalty [which seems to unnerve people] and her hateful, rage-filled peresonality. Ugh, sorry for ranting but I feel you all are the only ones who might understand.
Just another thing — I just went down to dinner with my family, and my sister is currently in her stage of trying to “Be nice” in her own strange way. I had just taken a shower and as I was called to dinner, I had no choice but to throw on a very old, worn polo shirt. The first thing she says when she sees me is “Nice shirt!” in a very friendly, nice way…which from prior experience I know is Stage 1, where she is nice [Stage 2 is when she tries to become "close", and Stage 3 is where she goes insane because of something you said or did]. I realized this is something she does — tries to get closer by flattery, but tries to flatter you in a way that is also kind of a put down — but she would NEVER understand that if tried to explain it to her. It’s like they don’t understand how “real” people operate…it’s so confusing, but I just have to realize it really has nothing to do with me, is no fault of mine. But still, when you’re dealing with someone with NPD, you always feel slightly crazy yourself…
Sam -
I was just sitting down to respond to your first comment when I saw your new comment. Holidays can be hard enough, but throw a personality disorder into the mix, and you’re bound to not only feel stressed, but ultimately disappointed. We all want to feel closer to each other this time of year, so no matter how much “distance” you try to create, it’s got to hurt to know that ultimately you’ll never be close to your sister. Especially if she’s your only sibling (and I don’t know if that’s the case).
I have no experience with NPD siblings, but when I was on MSN (which has since moved to a new site) there was a forum for family members of those with NPD. I’ve too little information to go on, but you might also want to check out the diagnostic criteria for Borderline and Histronic personality disorders. There’s a great deal of overlap between all of these Cluster B disorders – hence their nickname, the Drama Club.
I’m not in the advice business, but I do like to respond to comments as most people you know will listen but not really understand. First, don’t feel bad about ranting. It’s only natural to replay certain events over and over to others in hopes that then they will validate your experience and assure you that YOU aren’t the crazy one. Second, remember that anyone with NPD is always motivated by self-interest. It’s so painful to see how they can turn it on and off to shamelessly manipulate others. Any kind words are to disable your defenses so they can get up close where they can do the most damage. Finally, at all costs you need to maintain emotional distance to protect yourself from this train wreck of a person. Unfortunately, your sister sounds more like the train set my little brother had as a kid that just went in loops. The upside is you have friends and have at a relatively young age, come to know what you’re up against. And the other side doesn’t play fair. Jan
Jan, thank you so much for your compassionate and understanding words. Realizing that she is NPD [or Borderline/Histrionic] makes me feel somehow relieved and liberated…that I’m “okay.” Yes, it is extremely sad that we will never be close as I have no other siblings, but at the same time I feel like I will be saving decades of my life by being polite yet distant.
The line you wrote “the other side doesn’t play fair” is so accurate. This type of behavior is so strange that you really can’t understand it until you experience it, I guess.
Jan:
Thank you so much for your insightful and well-written words. You’ve done a great job describing these broken, pathetic and yet vicious people.
When I realized I was dealing with an N and stopped giving an emotional response to his cruel jabs, he discarded me for another woman and ground my face in it, acting as if I must be devastated by his preference for her. Truth is, I am tremendously relieved that his focus moved off of me and is directed elsewhere, but feel sorry for her. She is married and has several children, and I can about predict that he will ruin her life.
Like your friend Joe, the N I was involved with took great amusement in hurting people’s feelings. He also was a pathological liar, which took me some time to discover, tortured small animals, and seldom smiled or laughed even though he thought he had a great sense of humor. He also punished me severely if I dared to disagree with him, even on the smallest things.
There were times when I wondered if he had a heart, and now I know that he doesn’t. I would also add to those who think they may be involved with a narcissist to pay attention to your gut feelings. The cruel things the N said to me always caused a horrible sinking pain in my stomach–a sure sign of abuse. Also, don’t let yourself be sucked back in when he thinks he’s going to lose you and reverts to charming behavior. His charming self is a lie and won’t last.
Good luck to all and to those of you who married one of these ***holes and stayed with them for decades, you have my wholehearted sympathy.
I received the comment below from Liselotte in Amsterdam. When I was writing a response to it, I inadvertently deleted her entire comment. I emailed Liselotte and fortunately she’d saved her comment. She sent it again to me via email to post accompanied by the note below.
Liselotte’s comment is a narrative of her two-year-long relationship with a narcissist. With the benefit of hindsight, and after working with a therapist, she was able to analyze her relationship and see it for what it was, or more importantly, for what it wasn’t. Think of it as the “dissection of a deception.” I think anyone who’s had a close encounter with a narcissist could benefit from writing a personal narrative as Liselotte has done. Jan
Hi Jan,
Thank you for your e-mail. You’re the first person online to read and respond to my story and that feels good! I’ve thoroughly read your story and I can so relate to it. Although many of the experiences in our “close encounter with a narcissist” (love the title!) are different, the core aspects are the same; the covert ways of mind control, the manipulation, the ‘idealisation, devalue and discard’-circle, lack of empathy, whatever you do, it’s never good enough etc etc. That harrowing experience of being an extension, an object with an expiration date (well put!!) are devastating… I’m still trying to come to terms with it. Reading other people’s stories has helped me a lot. Thank you for that!
There’s so many other examples that I could give you on his paradoxical behavior, the mirroring, the projection, the shamelessness… it’s all just too odd when I think about it now… this is the real aftermath. I’m sorry I couldn’t capture or tell my experience in a less extensive way… that’s the thing with ‘close encounters with narcissists’; you really need the WHOLE story to be able to explain to others what it is that they actually do to you… And then still; people don’t understand or think you’re exaggerating or that you’re just bitter… It took me 10 months, with the help of a therapist, to truly understand what happened… Anyway, again thanks for making your story available online, keep up the good work!
This is what I posted on your website as an introduction to my story:
When our relationship ended I asked Alastair what on earth it had all meant to him, his reply was; “Lise, we haven’t been able to dominate each other, you don’t fit my blueprint, I saw you as a convenience, it’s time to move on”. I asked him if he understood the essence of a relationship because it seemed to me he was much more concerned with ‘form’. He said to me: “Everything in life is about form and appearance”. I realised I was engaged and almost married to someone who defines himself by appearance and perceived me as an object, dispensable and interchangeable.
Alastair mastered the art of shifting the blame on me and he deliberately pushed my buttons to twist the knife into my vulnerabilities. This was, of course, only after we had been together for a longer period of time. He made me feel guilty and I questioned myself many times on various things and events.
He gauged reality wrongly thinking I made him look like a fool, whereas HE was the one who was insulting my friends and humiliating me in public. His thinking was inconsistent and impaired to an extend that it DID make him look like a fool, but it was impossible to reason with him. His beliefs, attitudes and behaviours contradict each other which leads him to self-blindness.
In his opinion “I dragged him down”, whereas I was the one who ended up with heart arrhythmias, I had lost 6 kilos in weight, I had moved for him (just like his ex) and in the end found myself struggling hard to get my life back in Amsterdam.
He has explained our break-up as a “gap between cultures and upbringing” impossible to bridge, but I want the truth exposed. With his poisonous cocktail of undermining behaviour, conforming to social and cultural norms and latent sadism (pointed out to me by my therapist) he tried to ‘dominate’ me and ‘look good’ in front of family and peers.
I am unable to produce scars, or other “objective” proof of my ordeal and I’m probably unable to communicate effectively the hurtful experiences I’ve been through, but I’m going to anyway.
Below I will discuss – with vivid and recognisable examples – the true colours (cynicism, paranoia, aggression, manipulation, homophobia, insults, humiliation) and the recursive, recurrent and Sisyphean failures of “the nearly-man” (this is what his friends called him back in university, typical huh…)
His father
Alastair grew up in a very traditional family featuring ’strict father morality’. His father still sets overall family policy. He taught Alastair and his brother right from wrong with strict rules for their behaviour and enforced them through punishment sometimes administered with a stick. His father is a hypochondriac who displays his knowledge about everything and anything in such a way that you feel ill at ease in his presence. He made sure to influence (in an all pervasive way) every major decision Alastair had to make; what to study, which houses to buy, his professional career etc. His father is a frustrated school principal who laughs at the ‘hormonal weakness’ of women and takes mean-spirited pleasure in degrading the feminine especially in front of women. From the stories Alastair told me about his family, I understand that his father absolutely hated his mother (A’s grandmother).
[The child becomes a reflection of the parent, a conduit through which the parent experiences and realises himself for better (hopes, aspirations, ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, "undesirable" emotions, "negative" traits). He internalises his father's voices in the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature Superego and spends his life trying to be perfect, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged "a success" by these parent-images and their later representations and substitutes (authority figures).]
Homosexuals, Social Standards, Army
Alastair still believes homosexuals have chosen to be homosexuals, he thinks ‘they read it in a magazine’ and if they really wanted to they could become heterosexual. The evidence of any biological determination (genes, prenatal environment) simply bounces off his hardened position. You might as well talk to a brick wall. When I asked him what he would do if we ever had a child who turned out to be homosexual, he said that I had probably encouraged it. When I got upset he laughed and said that he just liked to throw oil on my fire. Alastair does not approve of gay marriage nor should they be allowed to have/adopt children.
He was taken to court for beating up a guy who defended a homosexual (n.b. the displacement). This was highly inconvenient because he had applied to become an army officer in training at Sandhurst. His father at that point displayed his “Daddy knows best” attitude and took care of the situation; Alastair was not made to take responsibility for what he did. Instead his lesson was; ‘If you can pay for the best attorney, you can decide yourself which laws apply to you and which do not’. He won and a couple of months later he joined the army. Talk about ’self-righteousness’…
[In order not to be immersed in his dad's narcissistic net he buried himself in a group that operates like a narcissistic family and requires identity with members' goals and ethos. It is a style of life that reinforces personal non-being.]
Domination
This however wasn’t the first time he beat someone up and it sure wouldn’t be the last. About a year ago he started a fight with one of his colleague-officers. I think because he depends so much on his in-group to support his beliefs, he places a high premium on group loyalty and cohesiveness. Alastair therefore thought it was necessary to teach this particular disloyal colleague a lesson because… he dared to flirt with a woman during their ‘guys-night-out’. Yes, for flirting with a woman he beat the guy up (again: n.b. the displacement).
[The question is whether his aggression mainly serves a desire to dominate, or if the domination serves a desire to hurt others.]
Impaired thinking, shifting the blame
Alastair tries to convince everybody that divorce doesn’t exist in Northern Ireland. In a sharp debate with friends of mine (who obviously couldn’t believe him) he got me involved and said “Lise, give us one example of someone you know in Northern Ireland who got divorced”. When I immediately replied with “The sister of your neighbour C., and the mother of your best mate P.” (he must be joking, right?), he dismissed me with a wave of the hand and continued the discussion. The next morning he blamed ME for making him look like a fool.
[People with narcissistic tendencies have errors in thinking which prevents them from seeing things how they are from both sides of the picture. Not wanting to feel bad inside, they build defences such as denial, repression and a strong need to be right.]
Atheism, brutal honesty and hypocrisy
Another example: I asked him why we had to make our vows in a church even though he defends evolution and the non-existence of God in a very harsh way. Alastair is an atheist (just like his father) and was capable of making one of his colleagues in a discussion on that matter actually BURST INTO TEARS (!!). He told me the reason for getting married in a church was “Because it’s what my mother would want me to do and because it’s traditional, why no one knows”. Then something incredibly ironic happened; when he told his mom we were going to get married in a church, it turned out she never had any expectation of this kind considering my ‘background’. He told her off; “Now don’t you start too!”.
[Brutal honesty, at all costs and in all circumstances – is a form of sadistic impulse. It is this kind of brutal honesty that leads us to assume that the main problem with the self-centred narcissist is his lack of regard for others.]
[Narcissists, in accordance with their Machiavellian mind frame, will often (want to) appear religious, especially if they are leaders.]
About marriage
Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate traditions and I respect differences in cultures, backgrounds and upbringing. I myself am from a liberal and tolerant society and I’ve lived in Amsterdam for over 9 years now. Many of my friends have been together for a long time, they have children but are not married. I therefore think marriage is not indispensable. But marriage according to Alastair was absolutely necessary if we wanted to have children and be ‘formally’ acknowledged as a couple by his family and the army.
Manipulation
There was however another, with hindsight, quite manipulative reason he had given (earlier on) for marriage; it was to make sure he wouldn’t sleep around in 5 years (I had to look at it from a ‘bloke’s perspective’). We had a discussion about it (“lots of married people still cheat on each other!”) but I didn’t pay much attention to it until I remembered what he had said about the mother of a friend who, according to Alastair, stayed in an adulterous relationship only for ‘quality of life’ reasons (i.e. for the money). So I told him that I was never going stay in an unhappy marriage, that I would never stay for economical reasons and that I would pack my bags and leave on the first train or plane back to Amsterdam.
Alastair ordered brochures from Gretna Green (a famous Scottish wedding location) and he showed me pictures of the army houses for married couples and I warmed up to the idea of getting married. Furthermore I was going to move, leave Amsterdam to finally live with him, I looked into doing a master at the university close to the place we were going live and I really wanted to have a family, after all I had turned 30 (soon to be 31), time wasn’t always going to be on my side (my general practitioner had pointed this out to me as well). What a lucky girl I was to have met this wonderful guy.
[Narcissists dance the relationship dance with you which has all the appearance of being motivated with the same motives you have. They mouth words of love and fidelity which confirm to you that you both are on the same page. Meanwhile, they feel complete aversion to real intimacy. They are not truly connecting with you on an emotional level. You are not aware of this distance. Not yet. No, they are after something very different than what you're after.]
True Colours
My expectations were slowly but surely shattered and his ‘true colours’ started to appear during the following year, which was truly a hell for me.
When I told him I had discussed our wedding plans with one of my best friends, he all of sudden thought it wasn’t a good idea to get married yet. It all went too fast and he had second doubts… Because I wasn’t the one warming him up to the idea of getting married (it was the other way around), I could understand his doubts and possible fear, so I blamed it on ‘cold feet’. I decided to wait for the possibility to discuss things until his walls were down. Unfortunately there was never any possibility to discuss anything.
[When connected to a narcissist you don't know what to expect. He may tell you one thing and then do another. Something you discussed and agreed on two hours ago will be dismissed. It's as if you never had the conversation. The idea he had yesterday has changed in preference of something else today. What he agreed to do for you he won't even admit to discussing. He offers to be reliable one minute and totally lets you down the next.]
After two months I told him that I felt he was controlling the situation and deciding for us both what was happening when and how without offering alternatives whereas two months ago we were discussing marriage and having a family… and that I just couldn’t understand. His reply was that he wanted us both to decide but it had to based on ‘knowing each other as well as we can’ (n.b. we had been together for almost 2 years). He said he wasn’t sure if I wanted to have children with HIM or just because I had turned 30… He thought if we had children that I probably wanted to be close to my family and that it therefore wasn’t a good idea to have children in Holland because then it was legally easier for me to take them with me if I was ever going to leave him, and that he now was not sure that I was never going to leave him because of what I had said to him about not staying for economical reasons… And of course, I had always said I didn’t want to get married, so he wasn’t going to ask me if he was going to be rejected.
[This is how he reverses truths, how he spins reality, how his tactics make me feel guilty, using me as a bin to drop all HIS insecurities in. Paranoia is used by the narcissist to ward off or reverse intimacy. The paranoid narrative legitimizes intimacy repelling behaviours such as keeping one's distance, aloofness, reclusion, aggression, lying, desultoriness, unpredictability, and idiosyncratic reactions. Narcissists can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion.]
At that time I didn’t realise this yet, I only knew I was very upset and told him we were obviously on totally different wave lengths (I was right). I didn’t get any reply (typical!) but two days later I received an enormous bunch of flowers for Valentine’s Day, and… guess what happened? I felt guilty for having been hard on him, and I started doubt myself; “Maybe I did make him think all that, I hadn’t been clear on what I felt for him, or maybe he’s just insecure, maybe my expectations were unrealistic etc etc”.
[Cycles of idealisation followed by devaluation characterise many personality disorders. They reflect the need to be protected against the whims, needs, and choices of others, shielded from the hurt that they can inflict on the narcissist.]
So time went on and for two months things were more or less ok, but we somehow weren’t able to discuss our ‘future agenda’ again. Then he told me that when he was to start his new post, he wanted to get settled in his new place in Holland on his own first and that if we were going to move in with each other we should better buy a house together. He knew that this was something I did not want to do; we were only staying for 2 years in Holland (his next post was going to be in the UK again) and it didn’t make sense to me to buy a house especially if we were provided one by the army (remember; HE showed me the brochures).
[If you actually want to do what a narcissist wants you to do, that would be too much like sharing, so he will not want it anymore. By withholding whatever they know you want, narcissists make themselves feel important.]
Then he asked me to explain why I wanted to do the master and if I thought it was going to be of ‘financial benefit’ to us? I was shocked that I had to explain this but still tried to ‘make sense’ out of it and I explained to him that an English master was surely going to benefit us if I was to move with him to the UK. I also explained that I was in a professional field in which I was never going to make a lot of money and that studying was purely out of an interest to learn things… he somehow managed to make me feel (again) guilty about it. He told me I needed to get balanced in what I wanted.
One evening however I couldn’t ignore my ‘gut-feeling’ anymore and I phoned him up very angry and upset asking him to be clear on where we stood. He didn’t say anything and hung up the phone to never answer again.
[The silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder, silence, distance and ignoring you) is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. The silent treatment is CONTROL and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself.]
In an extremely angry email I wrote him that I was fed up with him and the army, fed up with him hanging up the phone on me and I told him to go f**k himself. A week later he wrote me an e-mail saying “he had been on an emotional rollercoaster but that he was not angry and totally understood my ‘worries and concerns’ (n.b. how it now had officially become MY problem) about life with him and that he wasn’t sure enough about what life had to offer me outside Amsterdam to convince or persuade me that everything would be great”. To ‘reassure’ me he said he wasn’t looking for other women but he just needed to clear his head… (n.b. the manipulation again!!)
He ceased all communication and ignored me for another two weeks. I wrote him a card saying I was sorry for the things I said and wished him good luck for the Belfast marathon he was going to run the following weekend. He phoned me up just after he finished the marathon and I – relieved we were on speaking terms again – congratulated him on his accomplishment. He told me his parents (who live in Belfast) did not come to watch him and that he didn’t know anymore what he had to do to impress them (kinda weird: 33 year old army officer still wanting approval… but then again; his parents didn’t blink an eye, that’s strange too..).
[Mirroring is a theory developed by Heinz Kohut whereby children have their talk and accomplishments acknowledged, accepted and praised by others, e.g. parents. It is important for a child's legitimate feelings of grandiosity to be mirrored by its parents. Children who do not get enough mirroring (admiration, attention etc.) are considered by many psychologists to be at risk of developing a narcissistic personality later in life.
If the child does not feel his parents love him for himself, apart from accomplishments, he will develop what object relations theorists call the "false self," the self that is fabricated in order to get the approval of his parents, based on the ability to achieve good grades, a good job, a good mate, etc.]
A week later he asked me if I still wanted to come to England, he was doing a course there and we had already booked this flight a couple of months ago. I told him I did, thinking this was finally going to solve things. When I was there we discussed a couple of issues and he literally said I needed to know that if I wanted to be with an army officer, the relationship was only going to work if I was willing to sacrifice. This should have been (again) a major red flag for me… but no, I really thought that this was realistic and said that I knew how important his work was for him and that I would never expect him to leave the army for me (his ex made him choose between her and the army). That I was happy to take on army-life and that I understood what it implied (thinking this would then finally convince him that I was committed and serious).
A couple of weeks later he paid me a surprise visit during a weekend in Amsterdam and of course we had a wonderful time (it always was, the peaks were high) but something happened at the end of that lovely weekend. He flew back to Bristol and on his way back to Shrivenham in the car I phoned him. He said he had been talking to his brother about the issues his brother and his girlfriend had at the time. He finished the story by saying; “But hey… my brother’s just like me, in the end he always gets what he wants”…
[A true narcissist is almost totally wrapped up in themselves, and the entire world revolves around their needs and desires. The shameless sense of entitlement with which persons suffering from narcissism can impose themselves and their personal agenda on others, can be a very baffling experience to be exposed to.]
To cut a long story (I did have doubts about the relationship but he always lured me back in) short; he finished his course in England, I got my nursing degree (he didn’t attend my graduation), he moved back to Holland and he proposed to me a couple of months later on a ski-trip to Germany. I left Amsterdam, moved in with him and in the end it was me who organised the wedding; designed the different evening/day, Dutch/English invitations, made appointments for the church and other locations, looked up information on prenuptial agreements/pensions, made a list of hotels and B&B’s, put together a wedding list at a warehouse, and at the same time I had just started a new job, I attended a methodology and statistics class once a week (still attempting to do that master) and was trying very, very hard to make it all work.
My heart at this point had started to ‘arrhythmically’ signal me; “maybe I was overdoing things here”, but I didn’t listen. And yes; Alastair still wanted to buy a house because his best mate P. had wound him up about his new 5 bedroom house with a swimming pool in the garden. So I checked three different independent sources of info on tax, mortgages, locations etc. and I still didn’t think it was a good idea but Alastair just simply ignored me (again!) and I found myself looking at houses with him the following weeks. Having a child at this point was of course a ridiculous idea, even I had to admit that and I had put it out of my head. Guess what happened? He strangely all of a sudden talked to me more and more about having a family, after all we were soon to be married and he could now imagine himself as “the daddy” of the family.
Insulting friends
In the meantime, just before Alastair was sent to Afghanistan again, we were invited one weekend to the Belgian Ardennes by my best friends Linda and Ramon. This was supposed to be a nice relaxing break but it turned into a nightmare. There were 8 other people and the first evening everyone got very drunk and Ramon had hit a nerve with Alastair by saying that he had done a great job in getting me to marry him because I would be the last person anyone would ever expect to get married… This lead into a discussion; another friend explained to Alastair that even though he wanted to get married to his girlfriend, his girlfriend did not (because she had been married before) and he said that his relationship with her was far more important than ‘getting married’. Alastair got up, pointed at him and said: “This means that I WON and YOU LOST and that YOUR CHILD IS A BASTARD”.
[Narcissists are individuals who lack empathy for others, are self serving, and engage in competitive conflict with others. Competitive conflict is a form of conflict resolution in which individuals perceive other's progress as interfering with their own.]
He later on said ’sorry’ to me (he had no recollection of anything that happened that night) but when I suggested not to apologise to me but to P. he claimed: “Why would I, the Dutch always brag about freedom of speech, but when you tell someone the truth they are offended”.
[Narcissistically impelled people are incapable of genuine expressions of remorse, because inherent in an apology is the admission that one is not needless and faultless. Narcissists cannot see how their behaviour looks to others, and if confronted by their own behaviour in another, refuse to accept it.]
This should have done it for me, right? I mean my heart was signalling me, he was insulting my friends but when I talked to my (non-N) friends about it and asked for their opinion (again major red flags all over the place) they said to me; “Lise, we all know the context in which he said things, and we all know he’s just a very traditional guy” (and the wedding invitations had already been sent..).
I will discuss the events that finally led to our break-up in a minute, but first a couple of more personality traits:
Cynicism
During A’s first post in Holland (this is when we met) a sergeant major (B., nice guy!) helped him with everything; getting installed in his new place, at work, being invited out in the town etc. I thought they had developed a real friendship until Alastair said something very condescending about him.
B. was divorced, he had not been in a relationship for a long time but he recently met a woman through handball (he’s a coach). They had been together for 3 months when she found out she was pregnant. B. wanted to talk to Alastair about it, or at least share his story. His girlfriend wanted an abortion but B. wasn’t sure. Alastair listened, wished him good luck and when he left I said to Alastair that I could see that B. was in despair. He looked at me and cynically said: “Don’t be so naive, B. is only interested and keen because she’s pregnant and that makes him feel good about himself. As soon as she has the abortion, he will leave her.”… (Just for the record: B is still with his girlfriend).
[Narcissists are generally contemptuous of others. This seems to spring, at base, from their general lack of empathy, and it comes out as (at best) a dismissive attitude towards other people's feelings, wishes, needs, concerns, standards, work, etc.]
Another cynical worldview: According to Alastair the looting of the blacks in New Orleans during the hurricane Katrina, just showed their ‘bad immoral mentality’ compared to the virtuous people from California who were willing to help each other in putting out the fires around their villas. Alastair had difficulty to understand my explanation that a ‘nothing to lose’ situation sometimes brings out the worst in people.
[People with narcissistic tendencies have errors in thinking which prevents them from seeing things how they are from both sides of the picture.]
Break-up
One evening I came back from work and I was tired, Alastair asked me to go out and have an aperitif with some colonel. I told him I was not in the mood, I could see this annoyed him, he didn’t ask me why but just asked me to make food for when he returned. While walking on egg-shells again, I told him I could make dinner for more colleagues if he wanted to invite them over.
He came back 4 hours later with two female officers and they were all drunk. One officer left quite early, the other one, K., stayed on for a bit. They were talking about a discussion she had that afternoon with a corporal. From the discussion Alastair concluded that they addressed each other familiarly (i.e. they called each other by their first names). He said that no corporal fucknuts was ever to call him by his first name. This hit a nerve with me and I told him that I thought it was rather disrespectful to call a corporal a fucknuts because in the end he’s the frontline soldier who actually gets killed in a war. He looked at me (his eyes became black, I’m not exaggerating) and said: “If you think doctors speak differently about nurses, you’re ignorant. In their eyes you’re a NURSE FUCKNUTS too”.
Voilà… that was the proverbial last straw that broke my back; if this was the man I was going to marry, I’d rather DIE. I slammed a kitchen cupboard door (3 glasses fell out) and asked K. to leave. I went nuts and screamed at him that this was the last time he was ever going to insult me or my friends again and that I was now leaving.
As I started to pack my bags he entered the bedroom and screamed with a weird hoarse voice; “Are you leaving ME? That’s NOT going to happen. Here, I will help you pack your bags” and he started to pack all my bags for me… When he finished he went out to get more drunk. When he came back completely wasted on alcohol he said that I dragged him down, that he was more intelligent than me and that he just wasn’t able to tell me in a ‘normal way’ that he saw no future for us.
[To be in control – this unconquerable drive – is the direct result of being deserted, neglected, avoided, or abused at an early stage in life. "Never again" – vows the narcissist – "If anyone will do the leaving, it will be me." He is liberated and unshackled by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists. He never really wanted this commitment and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife or partner.
If he does not get attached – he cannot be hurt. If not intimate – he cannot be emotionally blackmailed. If he does not persevere – he has nothing to lose. If he does not stay put – he cannot be expelled. If he rejects or abandons – he cannot be rejected or abandoned. The narcissist anticipates the inevitable schisms and emotional abysses in a life fraught with gross dishonesty.
The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice. The dismal future of his relationships is preordained. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same traumas over and over again, the narcissist distances himself by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.]
A few days later we cancelled the wedding and of course he had to explain to his parents the cause of the break-up. Guess what he told them? That we had a row because I didn’t want to buy a house with him and that I slammed kitchen cupboard doors!!! His mother said that putting up with that sort of behaviour couldn’t be good and that is was alright for him to reconsider marriage…
[Narcissists 'gaslight' routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you outright that you're unstable, oversensitive and hysterical. Once he's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, he'll tell others about them, as always, presenting his smears as expressions of concern and declaring his own helpless victim hood.
He didn't do anything. He has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with him. While absolving himself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards him, implying that there's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with him, he's undermined your credibility with his listeners.]
He paid for my lawyers costs (I had legal troubles to get my place back in Amsterdam), and in return he asked me to give him back the emerald stones (which he bought for the engagement ring) because they reminded him of the time he was in Afghanistan. No emotional attachment to nothing… it was just ANOTHER slap in my face… and so the list goes on…
Liselotte – First, you should kiss the ground that you didn’t say “I do.” Allistair’s father sounds like a narcissist himself. Nothing a child can ever do is “good enough” for a narcissistic parent.
A narcissist’s “thinking errors” and the “competitive conflict” are mind boggling. When taken as individual incidents, a narcissist’s strange comments or bad behavior can seem odd, but not pathological. (So many people who are not familiar with NPD are quick to dismiss them as @ssholes or as you say “think you’re bitter.”). But those of us who’ve gotten close to one of these emotional black holes, know the truth. Thank you so much for sharing your own “close encounter.” Jan
Thank you Jan for the wonderful insight on NPD. I have suspected that I might have NPD because a lot of the traits detailed here I share, such as seeking people out purely for validation, grandiosity, and the destructive actions of devaluation and discarding. I can recollect various relationships I have had in my life where I did these things. However, I am confused about it. I know there is something amiss with my personality and I am aware of the false self. I can be quite a charmer when I feel like it and I am aware I have an agenda, but interestingly enough, that agenda is buried under layers of consciousness and not thought out in a systematic way. Yes, I have seen myself as a monster because I struggle with empathy and basic human emotions. There are times when I know I should feel a certain way for someone, but I simply cannot. I was not always this aware, but as I grew up and experienced consistent difficulties with my social life I wanted to know why. Perhaps being bi-polar II along with this PD helps me out in this endeavor because when the depression phase kicks in, I’ll go over all my perceived transgressions and proceed to rip myself a new one over it. Over time, I have learned to utilize my depressive phase not as a way to hate on myself, but as a way to take a hard and objective look at who I am and how I really operate and what other people perceive me as.
PD is extremely difficult to get over. I agree that the disorder is intricately interwoven with the fibers of my personality and only through diligent analysis of my actions and a constant endeavor to do better will I have a successful recovery. I pray that one day I can experience what it is like to be close to another human being without being scared or feeling awkward or drawing a blank. I know that day will eventually come, but I must work very hard for it, and it is easy to slip back into my old form, as it is very much a part of me.
Thank you all for your posts and insights – I am sorry that you were victimized by someone with narcissistic personality disorder, but not all beings who suffer from this socially debilitating affliction relish in it. I hope that each of you will recover successfully from your encounters with people that have NPD. I also hope that the perpetrators (NPDrs) will eventually gain enough courage to open their eyes so they can wage effective combat against their inner demons, rather than become seduced by the alluring call of “me first at all costs”.
seacaspian-Your awareness of your behavior is not unusual, but feeling bad about it and wanting to change are. I’m going to put up a new post soon and would like to use some of your comments and provide a link to another site where the author shares similar sentiments. I agree with Sam Vaknin’s statement that, “Self-reflection is the antonym of NPD.” Jan
Thank you for your comment, Jan. Alwaysjan, your detailed and descriptive account of your harrowing engagement with a narcissist was an awesome read so far, and sheds much insight.
The narcissist have three stages in a relationship: charming intrigue, devaluation and discarding. Currently, I am in phase 2 with a friend of mine, and am in the process of trying to abort phase 2. I find myself going back to phase 1, and even though the three phases of narcissism are ugly, phase 1, the charming phase at least can have beauty. I am finding myself forcing myself to listen, to try to show some level of interest, even identify something within what is being shared to talk about. I suppose recovery is akin to learning how to grow up and play well with the other kids (or adults, in this case). I guess at first a lot of the social behaviors we normally acquire were positively re-enforced, and though at first they had to be consciously and meticulously acted out when very young, the acceptable behaviors and mannerisms were repeated so often they became automatic. In the case of a narcissist, they positive enforcement was either warped, inconsistent or not even there. The NPD child may have been thrust out into the harshness of the world at too tender of an age, and as a result closed up and built a wall.
I guess while in the throws of phase one, I have to always scrutinize every single motive behind what I say and do. At the same time, it’s like trying to float in water… always kicking, lest suffer regression into phase 2 and the eventual and abrupt phase 3 that follows. I used to take pride at how efficiently I broke off with people when I got scared. I guess it’s a matter of convincing myself that I’m no longer a child and can protect myself, even when I’m vulnerable, learning to re-enforce this thought even when I feel I come under fire.
It is great to stumble upon sites rich in information like these, thank you Jan for your posts and everyone else for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I disagree with Jan on one point and that is the impression that I received that there is no hope for the narcissist, because the disorder is interwoven so intricately within the fabric of personality; that the narcissist is not able to change. I also disagree with the notion the narcissist has a heart but no soul to contain it. From my experience, I think narcissism is not a flaw in a person’s soul, nor does it make for a completely rotten person. I feel that narcissism is a flaw in the “computer code” that governs the automatic experience-response mechanisms that exist and operate in our personalities. Everyone wrote their own code when they grew up, but who’s to say that you cannot patch that code? It’s possible, it takes a lot of work and it’s exhausting at times, because the narcissist feels that he has to constantly humor everyone to be socially acceptable. However, brutally honest self-awareness is the first step.
I am glad you mentioned that Narcissists are often drawn to vibrant, vital people. They themselves (Vaknin among them) like to think of their “prey” as inferior or weak and not “above” them. Let me tell you, I am prime Narcissistic Supply BECAUSE I possess many good qualities
I realize I have attracted them partly because I have a vulnerability since childhood BUT also because I’m everything they are not!
Now I take it as a compliment when they approach me and THEN I RUN AS HELL!
[...] Click on this link to read Close Encounter with a Narcissist – Part 3. [...]
Great articles Jan, keep writing. Particulary enjoyed your perspective on narcissist as co-worker versus spouse/loved one.
[...A word of warning: A narcissist will never give his victim the validation they so desperately seek, or closure. This final act of control and cruelty leaves his victim hanging and twisting in the wind. This brings a smile to the narcissist’s face.]
The above quote had me rolling on the ground — my (fortunately EX-) narcissistic boyfriend actually said he knew his behaviors left “others swinging, unknown and unknowable, in the wind’ and he probably took pride in this, he certainly loved his air of mystery and never did anything to change the confusion and uncertainty that surrounded him. They are certainly a different animal!
Thanks again for the articles.
Every day when he gets up he feels the need to recite all that he is going to do for the day and if anything happens to change his plans, he explodes, even over the slightest thing. He acts like a real stud in bed, especially after we have had an arguement, thats his way of making up, no love or hugs I am currently going through a breakup with a classic narcissist. He two timed his wife with me and has cheated on me many times, always denying it when he gets caught. He is cold even to our ten year old son, nothing he does is good enough. Everytime he greets my son, if he is not responded to in a certain manner he flips out and sceams at him that he is rude and bad mannered, he is combative, won’t let anything go, won’t back down from an arguement, even if it’s just to keep the peace. He has to win at all costs calls me filthy names and makes sure he always has the last word in an arguement. He has been telling me the same story for twelve years that “someday, he will divorce his wife” but it would be too costly financially to do so, so he lives off me. I do his laundry, cook his meals and pay the bills. He literally looks at himself in the mirror and announces “I would f@#k me”
st a big performance. He expects a big fanfare when he goes into our local bar, high fiving everyone, telling his stories about his heroism, he was a cop, often dragging our son around and just throwing money at him to make him go away and buy himself something to amuse him while he got drunk.
Meanwhile he spends tons of money on his outfits. It’s pathetic but he even admitted that he dresses up to suit where ever it is he’s going, i.e. if its to home depot, it’s construction boots and a plaid shirt, meanwhile he’s useless around the house, and if he was ever there it was to pick up paint for me years ago. He believes that any one working there would take him more seriously.
I could go on a and on, I am going to need a lot of therapy to recover from this and keep this loser away from me.
Mary – So many women are convinced that when a Narcissist moves on to another woman, things might be different. They mentally beat themselves up wondering what the other person can offer that they can’t. Your experience provides proof that a narcissist poisons every relationship. Sounds like both you and your son could use therapy, but make sure the therapist has experience with personality disorders. Most people I know say it took about two years to come out of the haze and feel like it was behind them. I know that doesn’t help much if you’re on Day One and thinking, “Gee, only 729 days to go!” My sister-in-law is recovering from breast cancer and said to her mind, the real cancer in her life was her ex-husband who had NPD. Best of luck. At least you see him for who/what he is. Jan
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.
Thanks. Today was the first day of school, and It was nice to come home to a smiley face. Jan