The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #1 April 18, 2009
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Health, Idealization Phase, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Personality Disorders, Relationships
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I never could have imagined that so many people would read my 3-part series Close Encounter with a Narcissist. Or imagined how many people would leave comments detailing their own often heart-wrenching “close encounters.”
When I check my blog stats (something us bloggers obsessively do), I like to check the “search engine terms” people typed in before they were electronically dropped off at my blog’s doorstep.
In this new series, The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism, I’ll use a “search term” I’ve come across as a jumping off point for a discussion. (Please read the Close Encounter with a Narcissist series first, or it’s like walking in after the movie’s started. Shhhh!) Here goes.
“Will a narcissist ever idealize you again?”
A close friend, who also had a friendship with a man with NPD, wrote eloquently about the idealization phase and gave me permission to share her thoughts. The following is an excerpt (with identifying details omitted).
“During the initial idealization phase, the Narcissist shines a laser beam of attention on us. We blossom in its unusual warmth. Most people don’t pay that kind of attention to us. We find we like it, need it, maybe even deserve it.
Then when the Narcissist realizes we actually like them, they think we must be worthless, because they themselves feel worthless inside and unlikeable. The beam of light shuts off. Then they shoot a death ray to ward us away. They don’t want an emotional relationship. It’s a tug of war between them needing attention and not wanting any emotional involvement, until we’re smart enough to let go of the rope. (How’s that for a mixed metaphor?)
Narcissists just seem to be much better at the initial burst of showering attention. And most people are starved for some kind of acknowledgement. I know I was. When I met “William,” he acted as if I was the greatest thing at first. And he was certainly a busy, interesting person. Yes, I was smitten. Yet, when I look back we never really even had conversations. After our initial meeting, they were mostly combat. Abuser/user.
You know what they say about alcohol and alcoholics. The first drink is the best high, and you spend the rest of your life chasing it, and it’s never the same. Later, all you get is sick. But you keep hoping, you’ll have that nice warm feeling again. But alcohol doesn’t care about you! Now, though, when I see him, I don’t feel anything, but I do remember how I used to feel.”
Sound familiar? When I first read it, I couldn’t help but say, “Yes!” The Idealization phase is just that – a phase, and there’s no real way to extend it, unless you go into serious game-playing mode, renounce your humanity, and just play hard to get. It’s the chase that excites the Narcissist. But that’s not a relationship – that’s high school! So once you show genuine interest in a Narcissist, the exit sign quickly comes into view.
There’s no way around this. This is a script with a beginning (Idealization), a middle (Devaluation), and an end (Discard). I do think that people in long-term relationships with Narcissists (and so many who’ve written comments were married 25-35 years), live in a perpetual Twilight Zone of D&D. Even though they are not “physically” discarded, they are “emotionally” discarded early on. How can they get back into the Narcissist’s good graces? It’s simple. They can’t.
But what if…? Those who’ve had a short-term “close encounter” often believe it’s possible to recapture that “magic.” To call for a “do-over” – this time with a different result. What they don’t understand is that all magic is about illusion. Smoke and mirrors, as in, it’s all an act. Any contact with the Narcissist after the initial D&D is just a sequel to the original show. And how many sequels to you know that are better than the original (The Godfather excluded)?
Think of the NS (Narcissistic Supply) a Narcissist derives from a victim, who repeatedly returns for more. Inside, the Narcissist feels worthless and unlovable, so he/she views any person who continues to be drawn to him/her as inferior, or to put it bluntly – a loser. All the more reason to kick that person to the curb – yet again. Elisse Stuart wrote about this in “Narcissistic Curtain Calls.” A Narcissist might reel you back in one more time, not because they idealize you or miss you, but just to prove to themselves they can. Then the D&D begins anew. It’s the sinister human equivalent to the fisherman’s catch and release.
So the answer to the question, “Will a narcissist ever idealize you again?” is NO. I reached this conclusion in my head, long before I reached it in my heart. It’s an emotional tug of war, and you can only win when you let go of the rope.
Read The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #2
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Oh jan…could u think of no other ‘name’ to use than the one u chose??? lol
great piece as ever…
In my experience over 6+ years i was defo in a cycle of being adored by him, boring to him then dropped by him over and over … however i dont think that i was ‘idealised’ all these times, but i defo was TWICE within the years…once at the begining and the second time was after we made up following the first huge D&D. i think i was maybe idealised even more that time than the first…. but of course it didnt last and the cycle started and continued over and over each time getting worse…. until HE finally gave up on me. I dread to think how long id have allowed him to use and abuse me….. i still miss ‘him’ but am so glad he at last left me…
its hard work and an ongoing process to recover from him…
i look forward to more in this series
HUGS
Bev – Sorry about the name thing, but no matter what name I use, SOMEONE has an association with it. When I chose “Joe,” I didn’t realize how many people I knew had husbands or sons named Joe. I should just stick to calling all N’s “Adolf!” Jan
Jan – nice photo…it shows no reflection…just like the narcissistic vampire. I look forward to this series.
Thanks for the pingback : )
…”kick him to the curb…”with the rest of the garbage…I have new boots should the N ever try to make another ‘curtain call’ but I am no longer a “season ticket holder” LOL
ES
ps – congrats on 20,000!
This was great, as always. Many healthy relationships start out very intense and then cool to a more reasonable, sustainable temperature. Too often we mistake a relationship with an N that has reached a bumpy stretch (amazing how quickly that happens!) as a normal relationships that is just stabilizing, even though the N is more intense than any of the others in both the good and the bad. We miss the early signs of pathology because we’re so hopeful and excited and think, “What a great friend we’re making!”
Catherine – I think these “relationships” typically run from HOT to COLD, which can set one’s head to spinning. I was reading in the most recent issue of WIRED about how pickpockets work. If they reach directly for your pocket, people will see what they’re up to. The successful ones move one hand in an arc-like motion to distract the victim, while they take their wallet with the other hand. I can’t think of a more apt metaphor. Jan
Jan -
That’s why I now keep my heart and my wallet closely guarded.
ES
I ended a relationship with a narcissist in May because I got the courage to do so and it is the best thing I could have ever done. Now I have found someone who doesn’t play the games, doesn’t call me names, doesn’t belittle me, but truly loves me.
And there are other good ones out there. Remember narcissists are not capable of love because first they would have to love themselves and they just can’t.
Julie – You’re so right. You can’t give what you don’t have. That’s why they also don’t empathize with others, as their own “feelings” are so shallow. You’re a rare case, in that, so many people suffer extreme emotional whiplash, and it takes them some time to move on. As one friend said, “Time does heal all wounds, but sometimes you’ve got to give time time.” Best of luck to you. Jan
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My husband of 10 years left me this past July because he finally achieved the body he always wanted to have. As a result, he could not resist the temptation that he encountered everywhere or the temptation he was constantly looking for, but hey, what’s the difference, right? lol
Before this sordid tale unfolded, I became painfully aware of his NPD. I made the crucial mistake of pointing out my theory and in proper N form, he became defensive and vehemently began devaluing me. By then, it didn’t matter anymore…I began to see him for what he really was. The more attractive he became, the more disgusted I was. It really was rather comical how we headed so quickly in opposing directions.
The experience has left me down-right pissed. But, throughout all of this, I refused to give my true self up and become what he wanted or to turn a blind eye to his infidelities. Funny part is today, I basically ignore him, but somehow I have become the forbidden fruit. I am the keeper of the most intimate knowledge of his true self and in his mind, should be his most trusted friend, but I refuse to take any active role in his life anymore. Because of this, he tirelessly tries to win me over. I suppose it’s the chase all over again, but to me, I know it’s only temporary. He may be between women or whatever so I simply go on with my life and accept he is going on with his. Nothing more, nothing less!
I do have to say, that your writings on NPD were very informative and easy to understand, which is an absolute asset. Most of the clinical tomes put readers to sleep. You have done a great service in compiling the information and in its palpable packaging. Good work!
The “perfect body” is just fancy packaging to cover up an empty box of a human being. I, too, made the crucial mistake of pointing out my theory, and in proper N form, Joe, acted incredulous and defensive. He never asked what on earth he’d done that would lead me to believe that he had NPD. They’re not even listening when you talk. Personally, I think being “pissed” is an absolutely wonderful response. Good for you. The key to the future is “nothing more.” I’m glad you found my writing enlightening. That’s why I wrote about this disorder. It’s been a long day, but I can honestly say that your comment made my day.
Jan
glad to hear
This last post actually gives me some hope. Good job. Everywhere I go for insight on this painful subject, the suggestion is just let go. Well I am tired of this, we need to fight back, we need to develop a technique which can break this evil cycle. Many more women who didnt fall in the trap will soon, maybe our friends, maybe our daughters. We do have the obbligation to study this and
be sure it wont keep happening. I won’t take a defeat as a final answer. These are monsters. No Pity, no compassion. Man walked on the moon, didnt he? We can do it Empower yourself and break this evil cycle. Fight back whatever it takes.
Just charge your weapons and fight back ! No fears