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Comedy Traffic School – Not! March 15, 2010

Posted by alwaysjan in Personal.
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I was speeding.  I admit it.  But the time should fit the crime.  What on earth possessed me to sign up for online Comedy Traffic School?  “I don’t hear you laughing,” my husband called to me from the next room during what turned out to be a 7-hour ordeal.  On a Saturday.

It didnt help that I’d spent so much on time on the computer in the past three weeks that my husband accused me of hooking up with terrorists in a chat room and planning to kill the Swedish cartoonist who made the mistake of putting Mohammed’s head on the body of a dog.  I assured him that as a die-hard Pearls Before Swine fan, that was too lightweight to even register on my radar.  By the way, did you know that “Radar spelled backwards is radar?”

Just to make sure you don’t go straight to the questions, you’re warned that odd sentences are planted in the text.  You need to be able to recall these to prove you read EVERY word of the California Vehicle Code.  So one minute you’re reading about how high the fog lights, er I mean lamps, need to be off the ground, and then you suddenly bump smack into a clunker like, “My favorite fern is my best frond.”  or “Jacques Cousteau’s fingertips were always ‘pruney’.”

Just to provide some levity, there’s some side splitting jokes like the Five Things NOT To Say To a Police Officer.  The first one was, “Sorry officer, but I was reaching for my bag of crack when my gun fell off my lap and wedged between the accelerator and brake pedal forcing my car to go out of control.” Or, “Excuse me, but which one of the Village People are you?” It only got worse.

Did you know, “a Toyota” spelled backwards is “a Toyota?”  Just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention.  More important is that you pay attention while you are driving, or you too could spend a Saturday afternoon in front of the computer with no prospect of a trip to Sweden.  “Ancient Egyptians shaved their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats.”  Hey, you passed!

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Comments»

1. Bev from England - March 15, 2010

hmmm speeding….reminds me to a joke i recently heard…

man was caught speeding and stopped by the police….
police officer…are u aware u were speeding?
man…i was just trying to keep up with the trafic flow…
police officer….there is no other trafic on this road
man…exactly , look how far ahead they are !

tah dah

ok im away ;-)

HUGS

Bev – I think you could provide some desperately needed new material. tah dah! Jan

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2. asbestasican - March 15, 2010

Jan, I just finished writing my entry for today (one of the worst days I’ve had in a while) and I am weeping in front of MY computer, mostly with laughter. Thank you so much for cheering me up today. You can’t even begin to know how much I needed it. Excuse me, Officer, could you give me my dime bag back now?

Thanks.

I just read your post. You might be needing that dime bag, or at least the dime. Fingers crossed for you. Jan

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3. Catherine Sherman - March 16, 2010

Too funny. I had to put down my coffee cup. You know what happens when I laugh and drink at the same time!

You mean to tell me you knew that the Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the death of their cats, and you didn’t TELL me?! I’ve just been plucking my unruly brows (and various other errant whiskery hairs) when I could have just dispensed with the whole business, gone straight to shaving my brows and properly expressed my mourning at the same time in a very exotic fashion. See, I was paying attention!

I had to go to alarm school when my security system at a previous house went off too many times with no good reason (ok, it was homeowner incomptence…), but there weren’t any traffic schools when I got some tickets. I just forked over the fines for speeding. After we moved to our current house, I found myself speeding to get to my former haunts that were farther away. The cops found me speeding, too! Three times in one year. So I can empathize.

Cathy – I feel like I’m personally keeping the city afloat. I’ll never look at eyebrowless people the same way again. Jan

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4. elissestuart - March 16, 2010

I just avoid those intersections with the cameras, it does get tricky when one is following a friend down winding streets in a picturesque little city…..

Elisse,
Only you could get a pricey ticket on your way to do scapbooking. That still cracks me up. Jan

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elissestuart - March 22, 2010

I am so glad I am able to provide comic relief –
When I was still in the intersection and the light turned yellow this past week, I started to hyperventilate….I don’t want another $500.00 fine.

FYI – I’ve become the Little Old Lady from Pasadena. One day on the way to school, I passed a cop holding a radar gun. It could have been a gardener holding a blow dryer for all I know. I’ve been scared straight. Jan

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5. CZBZ - March 17, 2010

hahaha!!! And that’s saying something…my whole day was spent in front of the computer so if you could make me laugh at this point, you must be HILARIOUS!

Thank you!

I had a friend in high school who pulled out every hair in her eyebrows but she didn’t have cats.

Or maybe she did and then she didn’t and that’s why she lost her eyebrows?????

Hugs,
CZ

CZ,
There’s also a form of OCD where you pull them out along with the hair on your head. I only know this cause a woman I met in Little League had a daughter who did this. She said the only saving grace was most people assumed her daughter had undergone chemo, so they said nothing. :) Jan

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6. Janelle - April 13, 2010

Only in Southern California … :)

Janelle,
Let’s not forget “Chocolate Lovers Traffic School” ” Pizza Lovers Traffic School” and “Porn Traffic School.” Okay, I made the last one up, but I think it’s the next best thing. :) Jan

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