Narcissistic Game Playing August 27, 2011
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Flirting, Infidelity, ludic love style, Ludus, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Playing Games in Relationships, Relationships, Self Esteem, Self Love, Self-Love vs. Self-Esteem
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When I read that “narcissists employ a Ludic love style,” my eyes almost crossed. But I kept reading. “Ludus is characterized by game playing, an aversion to partner dependence, attention to extradyadic others and deception.” Whoa, does that sound familiar? Other than the extradyadic part? (And that’s just a fancy word for infidelity.)
I found this in Does Self-Love Lead to Love for Others? A Story of Narcissistic Game Playing published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). One of the goals of the research was to determine whether a person really needs to learn to love themselves before they can love others. Or, as the Greeks believed, is self-love actually an impediment to loving others? The authors sort that one out pretty quickly differentiating between self-love and self-esteem.
What I found most interesting was how those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or high on the narcissistic continuum per the authors) approach a relationship as a game. This explains why narcissists are unable to maintain long-term emotionally intimate relationships. Click on the title link above to read the paper in its entirety.
When it comes to relationships, narcissists have two birds to kill. First, because they think very highly of themselves, they use relationships to self enhance not caring whether this involves exploiting others. Think of it as feeding the beast. Although the narcissist desires perfection in a partner, in reality their partners (mere humans) are doomed to come up short. This game is not a cooperative game, but one in which the winner takes all.
But here’s the rub. Relationships are good in that they can provide positive attention and sex, BUT they are bad in that they demand emotional intimacy and prevent the narcissist from receiving attention and sex from other partners. If only they could have it both ways… (The feelings of the other person do not factor into the N’s thinking.)
So the narcissist turns on the charm, using all the extraversion and confidence he can muster to reel in a new partner. But “they would be careful to keep this relationship from becoming too intimate or emotionally close lest they lose control. Finally, narcissists would covertly seek out other potential romantic partners.” So it should come as surprise that the narcissist lacks a sense of real commitment to a relationship and is always on the lookout for an alternative, frequently flirting with others.
In this way, the narcissist maintains power in the relationship and a certain amount of freedom. If things go sour in the relationship, he’s already got his eye on his next target.
“Narcissists’ self-regulatory blueprint involves bringing people in and extracting esteem from them. If that entails being, in turn, charming, exciting, deceptive, controlling, or nasty, so be it.”
Those who’d been in a relationship with a narcissist reported that it took “longer to gain insight into the narcissist’s personality, and this impression changed over the course of the relationship. Although it is not evidence of game playing per se, this suggests that narcissists used deceptive self-presentation in the relationship.”
“A game-playing approach to relationships, as evidenced by maintaining alternative partners or keeping one’s partner uncertain about one’s commitment, gives the same game-playing partner power. This interpersonal strategy has been termed the principle of least interest. The individual less interested in the relationship has the most power. If narcissists seek power and freedom in their dating relationships, the adoption of a game-playing love style should give them this power and freedom.”
Finally, by adopting the Ludic, or game-playing approach to love, the narcissist is able to get what he wants without having to give up what he doesn’t. For the N, that’s a win-win situation. If you think otherwise, you’re just a sore loser!
Image Credit: “Mind Games” clipart from Discoveryeducation.com
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Wow. I’m going to link from my blog. This is fabulous and dead-on. It describes my N down to the last dotted i.
Great post!
[...] Narcissistic Game Playing [...]
Hi Jan, Your post distracted me from my work, so thank you!
As always, I love the way you write. Down to earth and to the point.
The self-love part of narcissism is a bit confusing isn’t it? Admiration and self-esteem apply, but real love appears to be absent from the heart of a narcissist.
The narcissist I had a “close encounter” with, told me it had all been a game. That one sentence did me in for the longest time. Wrapping my mind around how a person plays a game with another person’s mind, heart and life, well, that’s a hard task.
He eventually made an attempt to apologize, saying, “I’m sorry you were a casualty of my pathology.”
Sigh… Perhaps you can insert some humor here and I’ll laugh when I come back. I trust you could do that
.
Thanks again for the post and hope you have a great Sunday!
Michelle,
Sorry, but trying to put a humorous spin on such cruelty is like trying to put lipstick on a pig – oh, my pig just grunted. She hates that expression and wants to use my lipstick to show me that she cleans up real good. >oink<
"I'm sorry you were a casualty of my pathology" is almost bumper sticker worthy. It's like you were the victim of an emotional hit and run and as the driver sped away that bumper sticker was the last thing you saw. Ouch! That sort-of-an-apology is way more than most people get and shows that he WAS aware of what he was doing. Yet they keep doing it. What a pathetic life!
When I told my "friend" that I believed he suffered from NPD (never a good idea to tell them), he replied incredulously, "Leave it to you to think that I have something that's incurable!" Then he hooted with laughter.
FYI – It's nice to know there are others who are so easily distracted from "working." LOL
Jan
It was definately an interesting read and it does point to the hopelessness of trying to have any “long term” relationship with them. Seems the only one fit to have a long term relationship is another Narc who is also playing the game.
Mr. Ns favorite tactic with me was to withdrawal/not respond/silent treatment…keeping me guessing as to what was truly going on. It fit my childhood wound so well because I used to say that the opposite of love wasn’t hate…it was indifference and that is how I would feel every time Mr. N went silent. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to “not be seen” to be “invisible”….especially after having had the spotlight turned so brightly on me that I basked in the glow for days. Here you think are “known”, “loved”, “appreciated”, “wanted” for all that you are and then WHAMO..you are nothing. Not even a shadow of you remains. You sit in that abysmal darkness and wish to have even a crumb of light thrown your way…just so that you know that you even exist. Thinking about it brings me to tears…I never stopped wanting the best for Mr. N, never stopped wanting him to be happy, never stopped wanting to hold the hand of that angry, entitled six year old and tell him that he is loved. But it seems that he was incapable to even give me a fair good bye….just silence remains.
Callie,
Oh yes…the silent treatment or looking right through you as if you don’t exist. My friend would be “on” one day, eager for me to listen to whatever he had to say. A day later, we’d be at a meeting and he’d walk right past me as though he didn’t know me. It was so weird! My sister-in-law was married to a N for 14 years and his specialty was the silent treatment. She’d have rather that he yelled at her than tune her out as though she did not exist. You’re right – the opposite of love IS indifference. At least hate involves emotion. Jan
Jan,
Thank you for a timely post. I needed to be hit with that because I have been going through this very difficult period of introspection trying to figure out what is the situation with my “good friend”, Mr. N. Wow, does he ever fit all the descriptions in the article you posted! If ever there was a game player, he is it. Yet, I fell for it all lock, stock, and barrel. Every time he left me in the dark, disappearing for days on end, I would try even harder to be more perfect, more beautiful, more successful, and more wonderful. He’d reappear, and knock me over with his charms, as if I was the most incredible woman in the world. He’d get his fantastic sex, then, off he’d go for a week or so.
Turns out he had a “steady” girlfriend who found out about me. He got spooked, and said he wasn’t sure he could still see me, as he was afraid she’d find out. I told him to just be honest with her…not!
I said “are you afraid she’ll leave you? Are you feeling guilty?” “No, I just don’t want her to find out.” She told him explicitly it was her only or not at all. Long story short, he continued to pursue me on the side, and others, as well (I found out about three others). Fleeting feelings that he didn’t love her, but loved me were all that kept me in. But, with each episode of his silence, my self esteem fell even more. My friends and family kept propping me up, pointing out what a total bastard of a jerk he was, but I was blind to it all. Completely blind.
You see, (I know I don’t have to tell YOU this), he has these incredible charms that he can just turn on. He does it with no efforts at all. And, he has no problems finding women who fall for it. Worst of all, his girlfriend of 3 years is blind to it all. Then again, I am pretty sure she is a big N, too. She has a public blog in which she talks all about herself and how great she is, posting photos of only her on it.
Anyway, thanks again for the post.
Frida,
This IS a timely post for you! (I’ll refrain from adding a smiley face.) All of the N’s craziness keeps you off balance. At first this can seem exciting, even mysterious, as you want to “win” back their attention. “Hey, look at me! I care about you. I’m HERE for you!” Their silence is deadening. Ultimately this gets old and extremely painful. Then you realize you’re just one of many. And you’re ALL replaceable. Even when they connect with other Ns, there is no real love or emotional closeness. And they’re still out looking for fresh supply on the side. Jan
Frida,
It’s entirely possible that his girlfriend isn’t blind to it and her blog is a coping mechanism. My N had a girlfriend for almost 6 years before I met him, and from what I’ve recently found out, he cheated on her constantly. He kept his dating profiles open the entire time and found nothing wrong with this. She put up with it and then, back in December of 2010, they split.
He says he walked away, but I doubt it. I think that what happened is that she was co-dependent from her years of being married to a functional alcoholic. It sounds (from what other people have since told me) as though she got into therapy, al-anon, or something that helped her work on her co-dependence issues.
He claims he dumped her because she refused to meet or interact with his children. That was probably the biggest, fattest lie he told me because this is a high-profile woman who has dedicated her life to children. I think she got healthy, saw what he was doing for what it was and kicked his butt to the curb.
He started looking for a wife replacement as soon as he and his wife of 10 years split. Three months later, he found his (now ex) girlfriend. the entire time he was with her, he was trolling for fresh supply and I’m sure he found it from time-to-time.
If what he tells me is true (and I can’t believe much of what he says), it took him 5 months to find me. The entire time he was seeing me he was still trolling. We’ve been split for a month now, and each time I think to look (my profiles are all inactive now – but his profiles are all public so anyone can see them – you don’t need to be a subscriber to any of the sites) he’s online on all three sites, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
He contacted a girlfriend of mine while I was in the devaluation phase. She thought she’d found “Mr. Right” and was giddy about it. She called to tell me all about this guy on a dating site and I told her to slow down and wait until she’d actually spent enough time with him.
So she asked if she could send me his profile and photos so I could give my opinion. I finally got around to opening the email two days later. Guess who it was? Yep. I called her immediately and told her he was the guy I’d been telling HER about. She trusts me and sent me all the email conversations they’d had. It was like I was reading “copy and paste.” His emails to her were exactly like what he’d sent to me. He’d also mentioned that he was feeling so lucky to have found her since the last woman he’d met from the site (me) turned out to be “emotionally unbalanced and just plain crazy.” That’s what he said to me about his ex-girlfriend and his ex-wife. I never realized email had an echo.
He sent her the same music links, the same literature links, the same art links he’d sent to me. And then…I saw where he’d invited her to go kayaking with him for the three day weekend that we were supposed to spend together. She and I had a good laugh about it. She decided to tentatively accept to see what he’d tell me.
I got a phone call the morning we were supposed to leave (I hadn’t packed a thing) telling me he had a funeral to go to and he was so sorry to have to cancel with me, but he just couldn’t get out of it.
I called my girlfriend with that info and she called him an hour later and canceled, saying SHE had a funeral to go to and that she was so sorry to have to cancel with him, but she just couldn’t get out of it. He was too self-involved to put any puzzle pieces together.
Next thing we know, he’s on all three sites, trolling again. She’d only met him once, and in an effort to help her understand exactly the monster she was dealing with, I sent her ALL of my email exchanges with him, as well as the reams of devaluing emails he sent that I never replied to.
She dumped him immediately. He called me that same weekend, a day before he was supposed to get back from the “funeral” and asked to see me. I didn’t answer – waited for the voice mail and then texted to say: “I’m not home this weekend.”
He was furious that I’d gone and done my own thing – that I was out having “fun” while he was at a “funeral.” I laughed my butt off – but I also wanted to cry, because I knew then that the likelihood of anything he told me being true was nil.
Frida, this guy never loved you. You weren’t anything to him but an object with an expiration date. (That’s Jan’s line.) His “girlfriend” also has an expiration date, but he’s still getting something from her that feeds his need for supply – otherwise he wouldn’t be afraid for her to find out. He’d have discarded her. My guess is he’s having a fabulous time devaluing her, and that they may have gone through the D&D cycle many times. Wash, rinse, repeat.
His charm is a facade. Think of him as bits of broken glass strewn across a sidewalk. He picked up the shiniest pieces and glued them together and made what appeared to him to be a human being. He’s not human – not in any sense that emotionally healthy people understand the word. He’s a pod person, but you know that already.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all this.
“Wash, rinse, repeat.” I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Thanks! Jan
Fascinating…
You always make me smile. I wonder if these narcissistic traits are a learned behavior or genetic. Perhaps a little combo of both I wager. Show me Mr. (or MS.) narcissist and I can imagine the mother. I see it at school all the time. In fact if the mother is not one for infidelity she can play the very same game within her own family, wooing child after child pitting them against each other even. Now I’m worried. Is being a narcissist terribly bad if your aware of it? Mabey its like that whole “crazy thing” if you think you are mabey your not.
Jan xo Hope your year is going to be a good one we start back to school tommorow.
Lili,
Great to hear from you! I start back to school tomorrow as well. I’ve got 30 kids on my rooster. Argh! I had 28 last year for the first time and there was NO WAY I could give them the individual attention I did in years past. >sigh< And yes, if you think about what you do, most likely you're not a N. BUT, I did find it interesting that narcissists in the study recognized that they did play games. Maybe they smugly thought of themselves as "players." I do believe my "friend" would have copped to playing games and keeping a bunch of women in a holding pattern. Lots of activity on the runway, but never any takeoff. Jan
The narcissist lacks both self-esteem and self-love.
The author of the study W. Keith Campbell has the same problem people like Roy Baumeister and Jean Twenge have, where they conflate true self-love with the narcissist’s externally-motivated twisted and shaky version of self-love. They do this because they are against the self-esteem movement, which to them reflects excessive gold stars to children, soccer games where they don’t keep score and excessive coddling.
Genuine self-love I believe is necessary to love others as human beings in a healthy, non-codependent way. The problem is when people mistake the narcissist’s self-centeredness as genuine self-love or self-esteem, and use the narcissist’s dysfunction to indict the notions of high self-love and high self-esteem based on this false premise.
Nathaniel Branden goes into this in much better detail here:
http://www.nathanielbranden.com/catalog/articles_essays/what_self_esteem.html
I also recommend his book Six Pillars of Self-Esteem to see the differences between the narcissist’s version of pseudo self-esteem and true self-esteem. The writings of Alfred Adler regarding social interest and Karen Horney regarding the false, idealized self are also good in this regard
Let me just add, this careless conflating of genuine self-esteem with narcissistic self-regard was a big problem I had with Campbell’s book The Narcissism Epidemic, written with Jean Twenge. It had some good spots but overall I found it dangerously misleading because of how it claimed that narcissists are actually products of excessive self-esteem without any further clarification.
Let’s also not forget how whatever “game-playing” was going on, it would somehow be anyone’s fault but theirs? I would call my ex on a lot of these sorts of shenanigans only to be met with a hundred reasons why her view was right & I was wrong (& all had to do with a failing on my part). My God, the lies, lies, and more lies…
“I’m sorry you were a casualty of my pathology”, is a classic.
All I can say with confidence now is that it took me doing work on myself (counseling) to understand that my own, personal boundaries needed firming up. Once that sunk in, I left & never looked back.
I think that the worst thing, at least in my own case, is that the experience has left me very skeptical & suspicious of new relationships.
Wishing everyone peace & healing,
Tracy
As I read this, I thought of how many politicians must be narcissists, always trying to charm a new group, while his or her “base” feels ignored and debased because they are loyal voters. After all, where will they go?
“I’m sorry you were a casualty of my pathology” is a great line, but a narcissist would never even think to be sorry.
Catherine – You are so right in that the vast majority of narcissists would not even cop to having anything wrong with them. It’s always your problem. Jan
Another great post. I forgot to start off my comment above with that! You always bring a fresh and valuable view to a real problem — identifying and dealing with Narcissists.
[...] lifted the text below from planetjan’s blog. It is part of her post entitled Narcissistic Game Playing. It has eerie significance for [...]
Jan, I just re-read this post and had a chilling moment. I lifted some text from your post to use in my latest post: http://datingapersonalitydisorder.wordpress.com/2011/09/10/trolling-redux/
The serendipity literally made me shudder. I thought “bringing new people into my life” was an odd statement when I got the email I posted over on my blog, but I figured it was just another of his pompous, condescending statements and shrugged at it. An hour ago, I re-read what you posted above and the hair stood up on the back of my neck.
Oh, wow! I cannot believe how this email looks so similar to what I have from my idiot N. Isn’t if funny how they try to sound so superior to you even in the way they WRITE?! I would get that, too. ” No illusions”. Even when I finally left my husband for this idiot, it was always said to me that he was a NONFACTOR. Love that. NONFACTOR. I once confronted over email about him seeing someone else. His reponse and I kid you not: “I will do you no justice to validate your thoughts or suspicions. If being together feels good to you, great. If being together feels good for me, then great, too. I am re-simplying my life and I wholeheartedly suggust you do the same. That’s all I can do for now.” OMG! And I STILL stayed with him for a month after this crazy ass email to me! NO ONE has ever talked to me the way this guy did. And I took it. Ended my marriage to a fantastic man who loves me still even after all this destruction I caused. I cannot believe I got myself into this mess. I’m so glad it’s over. I went into his phone while he was sleeping and discovered not only the one girl I figured out he was seeing, but ANOTHER one! An old girlfriend! Geez. I’m so glad others are facing this and can reach out to people like me. Thank you all for posting such wonderful articles and profound and eerily similar stories. THank you thank you.
Beth,
I always like to respond to all of the comments concerning NPD, as I remember how foolish and used I felt in the wake. I just came across your comment and realized I neglected to reply. So sorry.
“Nonfactor…Resimplifying.” Confusing communication is the way they roll. And it’s all downhill. Jan
Thank you so much…your posts have helped me so much. I was recently dating a somatic narcissist. I wasn’t sure if he had met full criteria for NPD, because he was never abusive to me. I realize his “brutal honesty,” sarcasm, and judgemental attitude are abusive. He pushed very early for a relationship. He was very affectionate, attentive, seductive, fun, etc. But, he appeared jealous of my 6 year old son. He was quite judgemental and admitted to “not liking anything” about him. He was newly divorced. He ended with me when he thought that I was breaking up with him. He had said something that I still don’t quite understand…he said that before we met his self esteem was really low and that I built him up so much (fed his ego) that he is starting to feel arrogant and “cocky” and he said he didn’t like that. He said he used to be like that when he was younger. I was wondering if having a divorce, financial loss, etc could have made him a little self aware? And then when we were together, I fed his ego? He idealized me so much….we never got to the devaluation of me because he broke up with me when he felt I was leaving him. He truly is a somatic narcissist…obsessed with working out, needs constant admiration, etc. He was raised by a single mother who was cold and withholding (never let him cry, never said she loved him, no physical affection). He cheated on every girlfriend before his marriage. Always in a “relationship”.
Marie,
1) In my experience, most narcissists are NOT physically abusive. They don’t have to resort to physical abuse as their “brutal honesty, sarcasm, and judgmental attitude” cuts just as deep yet leaves no visible scars.
2) Second in their arsenal is their indifference/lack of empathy to anything you hold near and dear, like your son. Do you realize how freakish that sounds that he couldn’t find anything to like about your son? He may have felt that, but to have said it aloud ensured your son could always be used as a wedge in the “relationship.”
3) It is possible that the strains of a divorce, financial loss, etc. can leave a narcissist feeling almost human. I don’t think it makes them self-reflective so much as feeling like “poor little me.” I watched the N in my life (who was cerebral) go into a mental tailspin when any woman he was interested in told him she REALLY wasn’t interested in him. When their “supply” is running low, they tend to be depressive. That’s why they light up when new supply appears.
I think that was most likely where you fit in. All of his talk about you “feeding his ego” was him trying to blame you for his own bad behavior. N’s are binge eaters when it comes to new supply. The fact that he broke up with you when he knew you were moving away from him is classic. They have to be in control.
Ultimately, I wouldn’t put too much stock in what he told you. The N I knew said whatever served his purpose at any given moment. He rewrote anything that happened, so that he was never responsible. All of their relationships are basically “shell companies.” They’re empty or used when they serve a purpose and discarded. Unfortunately, we’re talking about caring people here. So be glad you and your son are rid of him before he could have done even more damage. Most likely being married gave him the semblance of feeling like he was leading a normal life. I’m sure his ex would have lots to say as to what a lie THAT was. Best of luck to you. I’m glad you’ve found my posts helpful.
Jan
Jan, thank you for your response! Yes…I think it is very freakish of him to say he didn’t like anything about my son. That was when I realized something was really wrong with him. Who says that to someone! He did blame me for that stating I put him on the spot asking him what he thought about my child. Typical. His reason for ending was that he “loved our relationship but wanted the fantasy part only”….he stated….”I don’t want to be a dad.” He knew I was a mother before we started dating and he said upfront that he wanted a relationship.
Yes, his supply was low and he had depressive symptoms when he met me. He had been in a “relationship” with a married woman who chose her husband over him. (when we started dating he thought I had a boyfriend!)
He would often say that he felt “guilty” about things that he has done in the past but I believe he felt shame. It is my understanding that narcissists feel tremendous shame rather than guilt. It was always bizarre that he would say he felt guilty for getting a divorce because he felt like he let down his neighbors! How weird. He would say that he was the one who fixed everything in the neighborhood. Said he felt the best during those years….I guess that was another way for him to get his supply. He was the all knowing, all powerful.
He wanted to remain “friends” after the break up. I told him no. Told him no contact. He was angry about it…stating he doesn’t feel the need to erase people from his life. I think he just wanted to keep me around to play more games…he was an excellent game player. So, I erased his number, call blocked him, and erased him from fb. Finally, felt like I had some control over the situation. He probably didn’t notice, but it felt good to me.
I wish that I realized all of this at the beginning, but now my eyes are wide open! After reading all of your posts I feel such relief and actualy no longer want him back. There was a part of me that still wanted him, but now I feel so free.
Your posts have helped me so much. Thank you!
Marie,
Thank you for writing so eloquently about your own situation. I find it funniest that his biggest concern about his divorce was that he felt he let the neighbors down. That SO sounds like something the cretin I knew would have said. And yes, I believe the emotion they feel is shame, not guilt. This is more in line with the emotional response of a child who doesn’t have a fully developed conscience.
Don’t we all wish we had known at the beginning? It’s a steep learning curve but beats being on an emotional roller coaster. Kudos on going no contact. It’s natural for us humans to still “want” someone, but that person we want never existed. Any further contact just gives them the golden opportunity to verbally abuse you again. Be glad that you walked away with your head held high. Jan
Wow. Wonderful article.