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Comments Welcome August 6, 2013

Posted by alwaysjan in Blogging, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Uncategorized.
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Comments

I just noticed that I have over 2,000 comments in response to 219 blog posts. It’s no secret that the majority of comments are in response to my writing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Eliminating cursive writing from the curriculum doesn’t generate the emotional response as having discovered the person you thought you were in love with isn’t capable of love.

So, in honor of all of those who’ve shared their stories of the turmoil wrought by a close encounter with a narcissist, I thought it was worth commenting about comments. Your comments.

I’m a teacher by trade, not a therapist. I provide a listening ear. I’m a survivor. And ultimately, I’m an optimist. Sound good? You’ve come to the right place.

It’s interesting because in the summer of 2012, we had quite a lively discussion going on between commenters. I was on vacation and was so impressed with how everyone was so thoughtful in their responses and kind to one another. I was beginning to feel like I wasn’t even needed! However, when someone said, “Wow! This is a great forum!” I winced. I don’t need nor want the responsibility of monitoring a forum.

That said, I have a lot of people who stop by regularly to let people know how they’re doing. Or to offer solace and a pat on the back to someone else who’s still reeling from their involvement with a narcissist. Some of these people go back to Year 1 of my blog. They’re like old familiar friends and I’m amazed at how wise they’ve become. I’ve watched them work through the “What ifs” and WTFs and move on with their lives. This brings me joy.

I always try to respond to NPD-related comments within 24 hours. I remember how horrible I felt when I realized who/what I was dealing with. I’d been “had” and who would believe me?

But, here’s the deal. I hit the Edit button and write my comment on the bottom of the actual comment in italics. I do this because I don’t want to see my face appearing in the sidebar over and over again. The downside of this is when people sign up to Follow Comments, they don’t receive a notification that I’ve replied. They won’t receive a notification until another person comments on that post.

FYI: I must approve everyone’s first comment. Once that’s done, future comments are posted automatically, but I receive a notification.  Just in case. Only twice have I had to delete that first comment to block a flurry of rants that followed. I don’t like rants. Rants make my stomach churn. After a long day at school spent with 30 third graders, I don’t have much patience for adults who behave like bratty children.

When someone comments, I can see their email address. Maybe half a dozen times when someone was in severe distress, I emailed them to let them know I’d responded to their comment. I also eliminate most people’s last names from their comment. Just in case.

And yes, there are a few readers who I’ve allowed to contact me “off blog.” It’s amazing how most people’s writing voice so echoes their real one. So it was no great surprise that when I met up with Lesley, my most prolific commenter, in Scotland last month, she was just as warm and clever and wise as she was “on blog.” I also talked to Phil while in the UK and his sardonic wit was spot on as well.  It’s funny, because we have so much more to talk about than NPD now. Life has a strange way of moving on. Believe it or not, but you will not always feel like this experience is consuming/has consumed you. The future awaits.

Readers can usually learn more from the comments than they can from reading my posts. So read up. And thank you for commenting!

Always, Jan

Typeface for Comments is BigHouse. 

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Comments»

1. Lynette d'Arty-Cross - August 7, 2013

Thanks, Jan. It’s great that you were able to meet a couple of your commenters. Hope your trip to the UK was wonderful!

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2. Mark - August 7, 2013

Jan I cannot thank you enough for creating this forum. It was so helpful for me. Like a life raft in the middle of the ocean when I was lost in the fog of being discarded. I’m doing great now and now that the toxic girlfriend is out of my life, my whole life is unfolding with many new and wonderful things. It’s true what is said about broken hearts…….it creates the space for something new and wonderful to enter. To fellow readers, I would urge you to have your chart read by Brenda Brush of Hollywood, FLA. Absolutely amazing. I have sent a dozen people to her and everybody, even the skeptics, were blown away. This is real deal astrological chart reading, not the tabloid junk.
Best wishes to all for a a great journey.

Mark,
Haha! You weren’t even the person I mentioned who referred to my blog as a “forum.” For those not interested in having their chart read, I can provide a free reading of their future… Get rid of the N and the black clouds will clear. Glad to have been of some help. Jan

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3. lesley - August 7, 2013

You certainly brought the weather with you when you visited Scotland Jan…and more importantly yourself!
Still seriously impressed that you managed all those steps to Edinburgh Castle?))))))Did the wine help?
On serious note the discussions of Summer 2012 were a Godsend and helped me move on,so I remain so grateful for your words and the wisdom of the other posters back then and indeed now…
Knowing that others feel as you do is a big key to moving on,as well as doing the work on yourself and shoring up the boundaries…
Ah, the’Ranters’…Light shine on them too…

Les

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4. elissestuart - August 8, 2013

I remember the many times you and I conferred on some of the comments I’d received during the early days after the ‘birth of my blog.’

You’ve been my editor – even when you’ve been across the pond.

We’ve laughed about the spam comments where the writer wants to tell me all about the spellcaster that brought their narcissist back to them…and how well behaved the N has become…right…watches up!

Some comments are so very grievous that I want to reach out and do all I can to help fix the situation, but I have to remind myself that this is cyberspace….other comments make me say “are you kidding me?!!” (Like the spellcasters.)
Most of my commentors are in the middle though. Normal people who are just trying to wrap their minds around the insanity that is the N.

It is very rewarding for me when my commentors visit again months or even years later to report that their lives have turned around – and it happened when they turned their backs on the narcissist. Bravo.

(Dear editor – feel free to edit where you see fit. Commenting should really have spell check!)

Elisse,
Is it possible that we’ve been writing to one another since 2007? Yes! You’re right that somewhere in the middle lies the majority of commenters. It’s helps that we’ve both been there, done that. I didn’t get a t-shirt though. Always happy to have you bounce comments off of me. Oh those spellcasters! LOL You’ve had some real lulus over the years. But when people are in pain, it’s hard to turn one’s back no matter how crazy the situation seems. You’ve got a kind heart and a wonderfully warm kick-ass attitude. Jan

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5. Catherine Sherman - August 8, 2013

Any typos, misspellings or otherwise incoherent thoughts you might see in this comment I’m blaming on my cat who is trying to recline across my keyboard in hopes of getting a head scratching.

There, now that I’ve gotten this disclaimer out of the way, I can now confess that I’ve been hit or miss with replying to comments on my posts. When I do reply, I was including my replies in the body of the commenter’s comment, but as you said. The commenter didn’t realize I’d replied so the dialog sometimes died. Commenters are to be treasured and nurturered, and if they have a blog, they should be treasured all the more by a return comment on their blog from me. I promise to do better. I love the blogging community, and I hate it when people stop blogging.

Cathy,
As you know, when I began blogging I followed your lead and just added my reply to comments via Edit. My friend Elisse Stuart followed suit. So now that you’ve gone back to the other side… :) I have so many comments on some of the NPD posts that if my reply appeared as a separate comment, I believe the thread would stretch to the moon and back! Each summer when school is out, I think I’ll retool my blog. Poof! Summer is over and I’ve done nada. Like you, I aspire to do better. Always, Jan
P>S> On an upbeat note, my district has dropped the firewalls at my school, so I think I can access some of the cool nature links you’ve put up. We shall see.

I’ve started replying in the regular fashion, so my face is on the sidebar. I hate it when there are five of my heads in a row. So now I’m going to make an effort to engage people, because I really do love having conversations about topics we find fascinating and engaging.

You have really great commenters, so there’s always a lively conversation happening on Planetjan.

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6. Angelo - August 29, 2013

Hi Joanna,
I am from Colombo.
I just read your article, and I need to talk to you (or an authority on NPD) urgently about my girlfriend.
Pls believe me, it is urgent.

Pls send email or text. I need to know if you are contactable.
Thanks,
Angelo

Angelo,
I eliminated your contact info. I believe you when you say it’s urgent, but as I mentioned in this post, it’s only after I’ve had an extensive on-line conversation that I consider contacting someone directly.
I’ve regretted doing so twice, as I was then viewed as a go-to therapist and received long rambling letters recounting all of the gory details of the relationship. Please read what I’ve read and comment. I don’t do individual consultations. Always, Jan

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7. elissestuart - August 31, 2013

Never a dull moment on Planetjan!
I may just have to start including all the “spellcaster” comments on my blog, and I will be using my “teacher voice” with them.
Don’ melt today.
ES ; )

Elisse,
If I was going to have melted, it would have been on Thursday when it was 100 degrees outside and 90 inside my classroom (For you of the Celsius persuasion, that’s 38 degrees!) Throw in all the dirt from the construction at the site and it’s a recipe for misery. When kids cry, they literally cry mud! Jan

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8. amildcaseofdeath - August 3, 2014

I’ve been reading you’re posts for the past 5 days and I feel compelled to to see if I could reach out here for support. I have to make this comment short because I’m on mobile and it keeps bumping me elsewhere while typing, but I was going to tell my story. Tomorrow I’ll get on the laptop and try.

AMCoD,
Please feel free. We all have a story to tell and I learn from each and every one. Always, Jan

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