Bad Guys Really Do Get the Most Girls August 2, 2009
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Affairs, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Bad boys, Dark Triad, Health, Latent Homosexual, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Personality Disorders, Psychopathy, Relationships, Serial Cheating, Somatic Narcissists
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After I’d written a recent post on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a friend commented, “I see you’re still into NPD.” It’s not so much that I’m “into” it, as I’m “onto” it. I have clarity now about this insidious personality disorder and want to help others. If you’re a new reader, do not proceed without reading my 3-part series Close Encounter with a Narcissist first. It will bring you up to speed so you don’t need subtitles.
All of the narcissists I’ve seen up close and personal were cerebral, so when readers ask about somatic narcissists, it’s like asking my dog what it’s like to be a cat. That said, I have friends who’ve been there, done that, and they’ve got stories to tell.
In my opinion, somatic narcissists are quicker to show up on the radar. They’re serial cheaters, always looking for another sexual conquest to keep them high on new Narcissistic Supply (NS). It doesn’t matter if they’re married or in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if YOU are married or in a relationship. They seek sex as validation that the False Self they’ve constructed is, in fact, real. They offer no genuine apologies when they’re caught. Their lack of remorse should be a major Red Flag.
Women have described that often after sex, they felt like they might as well have been a blow up doll. Although all male narcissists prefer autoerotic sex (masturbation and porn) to sex with a real woman, sometimes they manage to have sex with someone/something with a pulse. Pity that person. (If you’re dealing with a woman with NPD, I suggest you check out A Shrink for Men on my blogroll.)
This is in sharp contrast to cerebral narcissists, who can be extremely flirtatious, but quickly lose all interest in sex. It is through witholding sex from their partner that they maintain control. Because they’re essentially asexual, this is no problem for them. My sister-in-law was married to one for 15 years and swore she could count how many times they’d had sex by counting her children. Eight, for the record. At one point, she thought quite possibly her husband was gay because of his lack of interest in sex. Numerous other women have written and asked whether a man with NPD might actually be a latent homosexual. Maybe, but probably not. They’re just not that into women – real ones that is.
I have a married friend who had a brief affair with a man she later realized was a somatic narcissist. He pursued her relentlessly, and then… He was on to the next best thing. She referred me to an article in the New Scientist entitled Bad Guys Really Do Get the Most Girls. It was the first time I’d ever heard of the “dark triad” of personality traits, which includes narcissism. Machiavellianism, another one of the traits, is anti-social personality disorder by another name. Think: The Bermuda Triangle in human form. And you don’t want to go there.
The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #3 July 19, 2009
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Health, Ideal Love, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Relationships
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In this series, I’m using a “search term” I’ve come across as a jumping off point for a discussion. (Please read my Close Encounter with a Narcissist series first, or it’s like walking in after the movie’s started. Shhhh!) Here goes.
“What Is Ideal Love to a Narcissist?”
The DSM IV lists nine behaviors that characterize Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). At least five must be evident to make a diagnosis of NPD. Let’s look at the second behavior.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Just what is “ideal love?” to a Narcissist? I’m afraid, I have to use the F word to explain. No, not THAT word. To a Narcissist, the F word is fantasy.
Actually, I often think that Narcissists are obsessed not with “ideal love,” but with the “idea of love.” Despite the common misconception that Narcissists are “in love” with themselves, they actually despise themselves and are incapable of feeling real love.
I’ve said before that what a Narcissist loves most is the chase. The Narcissist confuses the excitement of honing in on new Narcissistic Supply (NS) with the emotion we humans call “love.” I’m afraid this Idealization Phase is as good as it gets.
So what happens when a Narcissist actually “catches” the object of his desire? When the ideal becomes real, you better be careful not to blink, or you might suffer emotional whiplash. Let me explain.
Outside the town where I grew up, there was a dog racing track. At the sound of the bell, a line of mechanical rabbits took off and the greyhounds chased them. If a dog ever caught the “rabbit,” its racing days were over. That’s because once the dog knew the rabbits were fake, it would no longer run after them.
What does this have to do with NPD?
Just like the dogs, when a Narcissist finally catches who he’s been pursuing, he quickly loses all interest. But here’s where it gets interesting. It’s not because what he’s been chasing is fake, but because it’s REAL.
Let’s face it, real relationships involve who’s cooking dinner (and doing the dishes), which bills should be paid (or go unpaid), root canals, and trips to the urologist. This is not the unique life the Narcissist envisioned. So what if he’s two hours late and didn’t call. Geez, you’re so demanding! Reality can’t compete with a fantasy, so the Narcissist immediately begins chipping away at that pedestal he put you on. The D&D is underway.
Unlike those greyhounds, the Narcissist never learns. He truly believes he can run that race again and next time (or the next, or the next) things will turn out just the way he imagined. Yes, it’s sad, because we already know how the story will end – Badly. But for those with NPD, it’s in their nature and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that.
The rest of us know that “ideal love” exists only in fairy tales. We’re happy to settle for real love.
The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #1-3 are in Categories under Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Tags.
The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #2 July 12, 2009
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Apologies, Health, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, Personality Disorders, Relationships
8 comments
In this series, I’m using a “search term” I’ve come across as a jumping off point for a discussion. (Please read my Close Encounter with a Narcissist series first, or it’s like walking in after the movie’s started. Shhhh!) Here goes.
Will a Narcissist Ever Apologize?
For what? You have to remember that a Narcissist is convinced he/she is always right and the problem lies with YOU. When someone apologizes, it’s an admission of wrong doing, and Narcissists are NEVER wrong.
Okay, they might manage an insincere apology if it will placate someone who’s a higher up (to save their job), or someone they fear, but mere mortals need not apply. Even when the Narcissist is clearly in the wrong, they are loathe to admit their culpability. If they are caught red-handed, they will deny that they have hands, or tell you their hands are in fact orange, not red.
Case in point. My friend “Joe” regaled me with stories about how he’d flown kites as a child in boarding school. I happened to be reading The Kite Runner and, low and behold, there was a description about how the boys coated the kite string with broken glass, just as Joe had described. Excited, I brought in my copy of The Kite Runner so he could read the passage. ”See, this was just like I was telling you,” he beamed.
A few weeks later, I bought him a copy of the book and handed it to him. See if you can guess who’s talking.
“How much did this cost?”
“It’s a paperback. What does it matter?”
“But, how much did it cost?”
“Fourteen dollars.”
End of conversation.
Four months later, I ran into Joe. He said he noticed how I’d ”pulled away from him.” Duh. I reminded him that when I’d given him the book, he’d never bothered to say thank you. Again, see if you can tell who’s talking.
“I’m sure I said thank you.”
“No, you never said thank you.”
“I find that impossible to believe. When someone gives me a gift, I always say thank you.”
“Well, you never said thank you.”
End of conversation.
If you’ve been close to someone with NPD, you have your own variation of this story. If it’s any consolation, you’re not crazy. They are. Thank you. I’m sorry. Who would have know how hard it was to say two words.
The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #1-3 are in Categories under Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Tags.
True Blood July 2, 2009
Posted by alwaysjan in TV/Film.Tags: Entertainment, Jace Alexander, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD, True Blood, True Blood Theme Song, Vampires
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After reading Twilight, with its endless descriptions of Edward’s chest, I swore off vampires. Later, when my book club read Three Cups of Tea, I even threatened to make a Venn Diagram to compare and contrast adjectives used to describe Edward’s chest with those used to describe the mountains in Afghanistan.
But, I have to admit that I enjoy watching True Blood on HBO. First, it’s got a mighty fine theme song by Jace Alexander. And how can I not love a show that, with all seriousness, has characters spew lines like “Clearly, she’s no fan of the fang.”
I’ve written before about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and used the vampire analogy. So last week when a character said, “He used me up and sucked me dry. It was like I was his snack machine!” it was music to my ears. Yeah, I’m a fan of the fang.
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