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Surviving Christmas and the Zombie Apocalypse December 7, 2010

Posted by alwaysjan in Entertainment, Worth Knowing.
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Shaun of the Dead t-shirt available on Amazon.

As I watched the movie Rec 2 the other night I found myself making a mental list of  “must have” items to fend off the undead.  I hinted to my husband that Santa might want to leave a Swiss Army knife in my stocking. As the movie unfolded, I ticked off other items.  I added a cross as you never know when someone has a drop of vampire in them.

I got a Swiss Army knife one Christmas when I was in college. I opened it and the blade promptly snapped shut and sliced my finger. I’m confident now though that I could use it to disembowel a zombie. This comes from religiously watching Dexter and teaching Third Grade for five years. Nothing grosses me out anymore. Today school ended at 1:30. At precisely 1:29 one of my students stood up and began vomiting a lake about the size of Lake Erie. I know how to calculate area, so this is no exaggeration. I’m afraid the only tool I had was a plastic bag. Too little too late. I wiped the spittle of his face and then handed him a piece of cherry-flavored hard candy to freshen his breath. Where were my night vision goggles when I needed them?

I’m not sure where my new-found interest in survival comes from. I could have cared less when there was all that hoopla about Y2K. I believe it’s possibly a variation of, “We’re not prepared for the Big One.” I had a flashlight hanging next to the bed. The key word is “had.” I’ve taken to putting on pajamas in the middle of the night for fear that if I run out of the house butt naked, I’ll scare my sons. I’d also be cold.

I had to laugh when my friend Cathy’s son-in-law Ryan published a link on Facebook to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse. Who knew there were entire lists of items recommended to buy on Amazon?  I’m still wondering about that duct tape that’s available new or used. Another “must have” item is an iPod. I guess if you’re in “End of the World” mode you’d want a little theme music. What was funny was that people who commented were concerned about how long their batteries would last.  My husband has assured me that there is now a solar battery that you can use to recharge you iPod.  Whew!

I’m not sure what this obsession with zombies is all about.  How scared can you be of creatures you can outrun?  But I noticed in Dead Set the zombies move a lot faster and seem to be caffeinated.  That’s not a good combination.

There’s a few items that aren’t on the list that should be. If you’re going to be doing battle with the undead, you’re definitely going to need some caffeine so you can outrun them. So add an espresso machine to that list. Personally, I’s also need some Coke Classic to keep me in zombie-killing mode. If you have had the pleasure of surviving the movie The Road, you know how good the Real Thing can be. Finally, a little chocolate to boost the serotonin levels when the Prozac runs out would keep my spirits up. Fighting the undead looks to be hard work – kinda like teaching 28 third graders.

Last night we ventured off the couch to see 127 Hours. Whoa!  That Swiss Army knife is definitely at the top of my list.  If no zombies appear or I don’t have to cut off my arm, I can at least open a bottle of red wine. Cheers!

Last Zombie Standing November 14, 2009

Posted by alwaysjan in Life, Teaching.
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4 comments

Zombie-walk-kids.JPG

I’m pumping that hand sanitizer like a lab rat desperate for a reward.  So far, so good.  I feel like I’m the only person who hasn’t come down with IT. Whatever IT might be.  So far I don’t think anyone’s been diagnosed with H1N1 at my school.  Just the usual prelude to Thanksgiving flu and chronic bronchitis that dogs you when you’re a teacher and never get to rest your voice. (It’s true – There is no rest for the wicked.)

My husband and son went to see Zombieland the other night.  I passed, since I work in Zombieland.  Just when one kid comes back to school, another goes down.  Pump, pump – More hand sanitizer.  I’ve taken to slathering it on my neck and arms. One boy came back after a week out and promptly announced he felt like throwing up.  I tossed him a plastic bag along with a pass to the nurse.  I have my students trained. I told that straight out, “If you think you’re going to get sick, don’t come to me, cause I’ll run from you.” They laughed, but I was dead serious.  I just don’t want to be undead. Seriously.

The school nurse donned her face mask on Friday when she had a roomful of germ factories sick children all complaining of being “hot.”  The school librarian told me she’s glad she’s already had IT.  “I got it over with early, ” she said, though she said she’d paid dearly for her immunity.  I mumbled something about how quickly viruses mutate, to take that smile off of her face.

November is always a tough month for teachers, what with report cards and all those parent teacher conferences.  I’ve just got to make it to Thanksgiving.

When I wrote my post Time Zone Zombie – Asleep at 30,000 Feet, about the world’s longest trip over the Atlantic Ocean, I was looking for a picture of a zombie.  Who knew there were thousands of them on Flickr from Zombie Walks around the world?  Here’s an activity the whole family can do together.  The cool thing is that I wouldn’t even need make-up to play a zombie.  I can just crawl out of bed.  As a big fan of Shaun of the Dead, I’d be up for the zombie pub crawl myself.  That is, if I make it to Thanksgiving.

POST MORTEM:  Officially zombified on Nov. 18th.  Tried to pass as human for two days, but finally succumbed.

Photo Credit:  Zombified Children from Wikipedia’s Zombie Walks

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