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Surviving Christmas and the Zombie Apocalypse December 7, 2010

Posted by alwaysjan in Entertainment, Worth Knowing.
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Shaun of the Dead t-shirt available on Amazon.

As I watched the movie Rec 2 the other night I found myself making a mental list of  “must have” items to fend off the undead.  I hinted to my husband that Santa might want to leave a Swiss Army knife in my stocking. As the movie unfolded, I ticked off other items.  I added a cross as you never know when someone has a drop of vampire in them.

I got a Swiss Army knife one Christmas when I was in college. I opened it and the blade promptly snapped shut and sliced my finger. I’m confident now though that I could use it to disembowel a zombie. This comes from religiously watching Dexter and teaching Third Grade for five years. Nothing grosses me out anymore. Today school ended at 1:30. At precisely 1:29 one of my students stood up and began vomiting a lake about the size of Lake Erie. I know how to calculate area, so this is no exaggeration. I’m afraid the only tool I had was a plastic bag. Too little too late. I wiped the spittle of his face and then handed him a piece of cherry-flavored hard candy to freshen his breath. Where were my night vision goggles when I needed them?

I’m not sure where my new-found interest in survival comes from. I could have cared less when there was all that hoopla about Y2K. I believe it’s possibly a variation of, “We’re not prepared for the Big One.” I had a flashlight hanging next to the bed. The key word is “had.” I’ve taken to putting on pajamas in the middle of the night for fear that if I run out of the house butt naked, I’ll scare my sons. I’d also be cold.

I had to laugh when my friend Cathy’s son-in-law Ryan published a link on Facebook to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse. Who knew there were entire lists of items recommended to buy on Amazon?  I’m still wondering about that duct tape that’s available new or used. Another “must have” item is an iPod. I guess if you’re in “End of the World” mode you’d want a little theme music. What was funny was that people who commented were concerned about how long their batteries would last.  My husband has assured me that there is now a solar battery that you can use to recharge you iPod.  Whew!

I’m not sure what this obsession with zombies is all about.  How scared can you be of creatures you can outrun?  But I noticed in Dead Set the zombies move a lot faster and seem to be caffeinated.  That’s not a good combination.

There’s a few items that aren’t on the list that should be. If you’re going to be doing battle with the undead, you’re definitely going to need some caffeine so you can outrun them. So add an espresso machine to that list. Personally, I’s also need some Coke Classic to keep me in zombie-killing mode. If you have had the pleasure of surviving the movie The Road, you know how good the Real Thing can be. Finally, a little chocolate to boost the serotonin levels when the Prozac runs out would keep my spirits up. Fighting the undead looks to be hard work – kinda like teaching 28 third graders.

Last night we ventured off the couch to see 127 Hours. Whoa!  That Swiss Army knife is definitely at the top of my list.  If no zombies appear or I don’t have to cut off my arm, I can at least open a bottle of red wine. Cheers!


1. Tracy - December 7, 2010

Well Jan,

I’d feel sorry for you if it wasn’t for the fact that my already angst-ridden 11 yr. old daughter has become fixated on Johnny Depp’s “demon of barber street” portrayal of Sweeney Todd (& the accompanying youtube clips played non-stop) & also in the “bigger-than-afterlife” blue-rays of demons & whacko’s in the recent films, “The Vampire’s Assistant”, & Psychoville”…lol…

I shall add to this our household being taken over by a very virulent flu-bug- which affected her for 2 hours, my son for 24 hours, & me- going on my 4th day- including upending my start to a new job?

All this to say- I do feel your pain, & thank you for an always entertaining synopsis of your life with your students & family~


An angst-ridden 11-year-old with a Johnny Depp obsession AND the flu sounds like a prime zombie candidate. Fourth day of the flu…I wouldn’t get too close to you either! I imagine if you haven’t already been zombified, at the very least you look like one. LOL Jan


2. Catherine Sherman - December 8, 2010

If anyone could fend off zombies and survive, it’s you!

Young adults have this love/hate relationship with zombies. Maybe, these walking dead “personify” the coldness and indifference of the world to a young person starting out. My college-age nephew requested the Zombie Survival books for Christmas a couple of years ago. They had zombie walk day in our college town, during which students dressed like zombies lurched through the town. (I tried to put the link at the bottom.)

Here’s a link to some photos of Laura and Ryan from a couple of years ago when I wrote about zombies and ghouls. (I “loved Shaun of the Dead”!)


Zombie Walk photos in Lawrence, Kansas (I hope)


3. CZBZ - December 8, 2010

hahaha!!! What a great article!

Did I just find my soulmate on wordpress? Have I truly found another adult woman who loves zombies and vampires and giant killer tomatoes? Maybe ‘nix’ on the tomatoes. Not too many people appreciate films like that. You have to arm yourself with pizza before watching a marathon of B-movies. It’s fun though…really fun.

By the by, I absolutely hate ‘fast’ zombies. What’s up with that? It ruins the sheer horror of unconscious doom as slowly, slowly, our inner dread is faced…and felt. Caffeinated zombies? I tell ya, Jan, this world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I dislike rule-breaking vampires, too. How’s a woman supposed to sleep at night knowing her little vial of holy water, silver bullets on the nightstand, and stash of wooden stakes are passee? Guess it’s time to upgrade my defense system. Any espresso machines you can recommend?


Ha, ha, ha! I love all of those kick ass movies that my husband and sons like. After working all day with kids who tell me jokes like, “Why is the number 6 afraid of 7?” (The answer is, “Because 7 ate (8) 9.” Nothing warm and fuzzy for me thank you. I shall check my coveted iPhone for an espresso application. I think it might also have some sort of zombie-fighting capability. 🙂 Jan


4. elissestuart - December 9, 2010

I’m not as afraid of zombies as I am about making sure I raise my last teenager to adulthood. One minute he’s Jekyel – the next minute he’s Hyde. Come to think about it – it probably does fall into some Zombie sub-class.

Elisse – Teenagers = Zombies with zits. Jan


5. Brandy Thomas - December 10, 2010

My husband and I want to let you know that we liked reading material on this site, I was just interested to know if you barter featured posts? I am always attempting to find individuals to make deals with but it’s just a point of view I would call for.

I visited your site Swissarmysoliderknife.com and it looks to be legit with a bit of wit. You have my permission to provide a link to this post as long as my blog is credited. The usual. Jan


6. shoutabyss - December 14, 2010

There’s a book called “The Zombie Survival Guide.” It is fairly hilarious. I quoted from it once. http://shoutsfromtheabyss.wordpress.com/2010/02/20/zombies-and-a-silver-platter/

Oops, I first wrote “Shot.” That tells you my mindset these days. This is a hilarious excerpt from the book. Thanks for the link. Anything having to do with the “undead” is of interest to me. My school doesn’t let out until Dec. 23rd, so I’m working with some teachers who could pass for the “undead.” Jan


7. lilikaofthelake - April 17, 2011

Ohhhh totally a must have!!!


8. Raincheck on the Rapture « planetjan - May 21, 2011

[…] December I wrote a post Surviving Christmas and the Zombie Apocalypse. Not to say I told you so, but  – I told you so!  Now, the very official Center for Disaster […]


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