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The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #5 February 23, 2011

Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,


In this series, I’m using a “search term” I’ve come across as a jumping  off point for a discussion. (Please read my Close Encounter with a  Narcissist series first, or it’s like walking in after the movie’s started. Shhhh!) Here goes.

Does the Narcissist Miss Me?

After you pick a flea off a dog, does the flea miss the dog?  No, it misses its supply of blood. But, any dog will do – any warm body for that matter. Sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.

We all want to think we are/were special. We want the N to miss us. We bent over backwards to please them. We were emotional contortionists. But the sad truth is that once the D&D (Devaluation and Discard) is underway, you’re like yesterday’s newspaper – something to be put out with the trash.

I’m constantly amazed, but not surprised, at how many people ask, “How do I get a N back?” That’s like asking, “How can I get my cancer to metastasize? Could I have a second helping of abuse, please?” Why do you want this emotional vampire back in your life?  Usually, it’s because you think this time, knowing what you do, you can change the outcome. But, that’s magical thinking on YOUR part. The script allows no room for improvisation. After Act 1 (the Idealization Phase, Act 2 (Devaluation), and Act 3 (Discard), the show is over. The End. Any further contact with the N will be like watching a rerun. Only this time you know how it ends. Do you really want to be left sitting alone in a dark theater watching the credits roll – credits that omit your name because your appearance was left on the cutting room floor? (Okay, with digital technology that’s a reach, but you get the idea.)

Some people want the N back so they can turn the tables and get The Final Word. They want to be the one to do the discarding – on their terms. I understand the sentiment (if you can call it that), but it’s a grand waste of time. Even if you get The Final Word, the N will have their fingers in their ears taunting, “But I can’t hear you!”

“But I loved them!” you protest. Know this – the N values the attention of total strangers more than attention from their nearest and dearest. The attention of total strangers gives them a rush – an affirmation that their false self is real. Hey, these people are buying my BS! (Even if the strangers aren’t buying their BS, most likely they’re too polite to call them on it, unlike you.)

So while you’re waiting for the N to return, they have an entire world of people who they have yet to meet. An audience waiting to be wowed. People who are gullible – like you once were.

Knowing this, why would you want the N back?  There will be no apologies, acknowledgements, or closure. This is as much about you as it is about them. So ask yourself again. Why do I want the N back?

Read The Mirror Talks – Reflections on Narcissism #6.

Photo Credit: Jan Marshall


1. shoutabyss - February 23, 2011

I find it fitting that I was listening to “Creep” (the Pretenders version) while reading this post. “I wish I was special.” Indubitably.

I’ve been with N. It can be remarkably hard to see the writing on the wall and do what is necessary. It can be very painful.

But logically knowing it and translating it into action can be two very different things.

I agree with everything you said. Knowing it in your head and in your heart are not the same. But, once you DO know what (I’m purposely avoiding using “who”) you’re dealing with, you can only do the Dance of Denial for so long. Some people really do have to hit rock bottom before they can see that it’s a hopeless cause. Jan


2. dogkisses - February 23, 2011

Great post! I’ve thought about posting a “diary of my dashboard.” I can’t believe how many people search for questions of this nature.

You are right, wanting a N back is like asking for the cancer to grow.

I understand too, that people fall in love you know. I think people who loved a narcissist will question what happened, be shocked, very confused and often blame themselves, just as the N would have it.

Very straight-forward post Jan. I like that about your writing.

Dang my readers are smart! Your comment came right after Shout’s, and everything he said is spot on. I suppose it’s because I’m four years out of the fog that I’m finally able to look back and say, “Ugh! What was THAT all about?”
I think so many of those who’ve survived a close encounter with a N want to get some morsel of validation from the N. But each time you get sucked back in, you tend to lose more self esteem, which perpetuates a cycle. I’d like to say the only solution is Abstinence (Whoa, I had to plug that word into Google to check the spelling!), but until you’ve met one of these Emotional Vampires, you wouldn’t have ever thought they exist. Jan


dogkisses - February 24, 2011

Thanks Teach! I’m glad you think we are smart. Where’s my star and why didn’t they have those when I was growing up? Maybe that explains why I spent time with a psychopath.

I had to hit bottom and boy did I fall far and hard. I’d get so confused and depressed. I found myself asking my two best friends why and they both would always say, “He’s a narcissist! Do you read your own blog?” I had to re-read plenty of times. Writing about my experience, while educating myself about NPD saved my life.

I’m very happy to be back with myself, not trying anymore to get feedback or answers from a sadistic psychopath. Oh, it is so nice to be back!

Even after I started writing about NPD on my blog, I still had open wounds from the entire experience. These have since been healed by writing and reading the comments of so many readers willing to share their story. Time has helped too, but a lot of people ask, “How long will it take?” The answer is, “That depends…” I realize it’s harder to reach this point if you have children with the N. But doesn’t if feel glorious to no longer have someone verbally picking at you, like a buzzard cleaning a carcass? 🙂 Jan


dogkisses - February 25, 2011

Yes, Glorious is a great word for the experience of freedom from a narcissist!

(I’m glad I don’t have children with one. That must be the hardest thing ever!)


3. Libertyi - February 23, 2011

Fab post


4. Catherine Sherman - February 24, 2011

Not getting back with an N is one way we N-suppliers think we are getting back at the N. Ns sometimes like to see whether they still have that old black magic to enthrall us again. If we fall for it, we can’t get back at them by walking away first. You’re right that they won’t give us a second thought, because we were already discarded long ago.


5. Tracy Fortune - February 25, 2011

NPD: Narcisssistic. Personality DIsorder.

Sounds medical, sounds treatable?


Any partner exhibiting the hallmarks of should be left immediately. No 2nd/3rd chance. Trust me or die trying to connect.

Tracy – So true. It’s unfortunate that most people have never heard of NPD. They may not literally die trying to connect, but can waste years in a hopeless quest. Knowledge is power. Jan


dogkisses - February 25, 2011

I agree Tracy — leave immediately or “die trying to connect” — so true!


6. Hermite - February 27, 2011

“The attention of total strangers gives them a rush – an affirmation that their false self is real.”
Ahh, Facebook to the rescue. “Look how many friends I have!” ( me shaking head sadly)
Glad to read the additional chapter here, Jan. Thanks for the good you have done and the help you have given others.

Hermite – So true, Facebook is a virtual house of mirrors for Ns. They can totally control their image, i.e., “likes, activities…” and accumulating “friends” gives them a false sense of being connected to others. I’ve noticed that many of these friends have 1000+ “friends,” which tells you how highly selectively they are about being “friends” with someone. Jan


7. KT - March 2, 2011

Great post and a good reminder that it truly is all about the N, no matter how much magical thinking we try to apply to make it into something else. Missing the N is nothing more than missing an ideal that did not truly exist (except when we were being idealized). The true N is nothing like the mask he inially wears and for those of us who possess the ability to empathize, the lack of this key element in their personality is a hard pill to swallow. Also, I think it is important to remind ourselves that we were targeted because we do possess the qualities they lack (such as an ability to care and love) and there is nothing wrong with us..however there is a huge void with them. No matter how amazing the wrapping, the void inside does not change, does not improve and oftentimes gets worse as time goes by. So thank your lucky stars that you are free and give your love and caring generously to yourself and to those around you who can appreciate it.


dogkisses - March 2, 2011

“So thank your lucky stars that you are free and give your love and caring generously to yourself and to those around you who can appreciate it.”

I love this comment!


8. bev - March 3, 2011

i spent the longest time wondering if he missed me….wed been sooo close etc etc surely he must miss me now n then at least? over time it sinks in that nothing was ever real with him n he probably cant even remember who i am, n if he can its as that crazy stalker bitch from england…..

i didnt get closure , no one does, but i do feel satisfied that the last time i contacted him it was a lovely mail and i said nice things that i needed to say…. he never responded (luckily) But at least i know…MY end was how i wanted it to be.

for a long time i wanted him back too….as u say whyd u want the cancer to come back ? but i wasnt in my right mind back then.It took a long time to get here n im not fully recovered still but better than i ever dared hoped to be.

when he possibly got in touch with me last year ( i never knew for sure if it was him cos i ignored the message) i was horrified and realised that as much as i may at times miss ‘him’ i did NOT want him back in my life. I was very glad of the friends who helped suport me thro that very hard time, it wasnt easy to just ignore him but im so proud that i did…..ive felt very free ever since and am now working on repairing the rest of me now that my head is ok once more !


9. Janeen - June 22, 2011

Hi there. I am just struggling to emerge from the long dark tunnel these monsters create for us called ‘cognitive dissonance’. the what the ? and trying to piece the utter madness together…Their lies and utterly confusing behaviour is just so mind scrambling, it leaves one shuddering in the aftermath.. The lies and collapse of any semblance of normalcy in the relationship followed on after 1. Pursuit: the frenetic unrelenting chase; a veritible roller coaster of adoration and sheer bliss to find myself adored and basking in his spotlight.. he got me hook line and sinker to LOVE him,2. Caught: followed shortly after by the control, intimidation, hot n cold love games and the attempt to completely take over my life, and 3. in March 2011, the cruel games, triangulation with the other women in his life( ex wife and his PA) and then once I said ‘yes I will be with you forever as I do love and want you ‘;the death of everything between us, suddenly with the brutal shock of the D&D.. Aaah he said he had found someone else he would soon be ‘getting engaged to’ with whom he had cld hv ‘unrestrained love’.. TWO WEEKS after saying we were ‘engaged ‘ and wanting me to join him in the USA/ UAE … i once saw an email his exwife sent him: “Liar, liar, hollow man, breaker of every promise, you destroy people.” How RIGHT she was.. i hope i can get better soon…. it hurts JL x. ‘
So sorry you’re hurting. It was four years ago that I started summer vacation (I’m a teacher) in the wake of the D&D. At first, it was a struggle to make it through each day, but I read reams of literature on the disorder to shed some light on what had happened. It helped, but it also took time and distance to see the relationship for what it was – a pretend relationship. It’s ALL crazy making, but only those who’ve been there understand what you’re talking about. Now, I can look back and laugh about the bizarre behavior, but at the time it was incredibly hurtful and confusing. Please let me know how you’re doing. It will take time to understand why you were targeted and how this person got by your defenses. But ultimately, you will come out of the tunnel as a stronger person. 🙂 Jan


10. Robin Daily - September 19, 2013

Well written! So true.


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