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I, Narcissist Slayer January 3, 2014

Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Thank you CZBZ at the Narcissistic Continuum for conferring on me the title of Narcissist Slayer. That definitely looks like me on a good hair day. And what’s  that I’m holding – my award or a rocket launcher? I’ll be eagerly awaiting the arrival of my sword. What? No sword included? Can you tell I’m eagerly awaiting the return of Game of Thrones?

I imagine meeting up with the other slayers to share a bracing adult beverage before returning to wield our pens in the fight against this nefarious personality disorder and debunking the myths that surround it.

As is the case with these blogger awards, there are guidelines, or as we say in third grade, multiple-step directions. These are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to them
2. Put the award’s logo on your blog
3. Write a blog post and share the blog(s) you have chosen. There are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required.
4. Inform nominees on their site
5. Share one positive thing you took away from your relationship with a narcissist.

First things first. Neither of my parents were narcissists. When I first saw a therapist (himself the adult child of a narcissist), that’s the first thing he asked me. He explained this was because only those who’d been conditioned since childhood could/would put up with narcissistic abuse over the long run. For me, it was all of four months until the D&D – not a long period in the grand scheme of things. But the damage done to my psyche was devastating. So if I wasn’t conditioned by my childhood, what was it that drew me to the flame, even once those red flags were waving?

Looking back, it was the fantasy and belief that this person who was alternately flirting/hurting me could be helped. He needed me. Now that seems narcissistic just to write that, but it’s true. Some have described narcissists as “puppies with rabies.” I’m a dog person and had to be bitten repeatedly to get the message. I learned that ultimately, the only person we can fix is ourself/or how we respond to those events that swirl around us which we call life.

Finally, the best thing of all is that by sharing my own Close Encounter with a Narcissist on my blog (which was very scary at first – I’ve been had!), I’ve met so many amazing people, both women and men, who were looking for information. Their comments, insights, and friendship mean the world to me – and that includes you CZ.

Always, Jan


1. czbz - January 3, 2014

Hi Jan, Narcissist Slayer! Thanks for accepting the award, your hair looks great and so does your “behind.” I think what you’re holding is a grenade launcher or a rocket launcher. I didn’t design the logo or it’d have something very “dated” on it, no doubt. Like a picture of Doris Day or daisies. I’d like to hand out awards everyday, this has been such a rewarding experience! So many people spend hours and years of their lives with very little recognition. I don’t know who started this blogger award but it’s been as much fun nominating people as being nominated.

I wanted to add to your comment about your non-narcissist parents which I am absolutely sure is more normal than people think. One of my complaints about the “recovery community” (and that includes therapists) is the assumption that “Water Meets Its Own Level.” Anytime I argue for a reality check, such as ANYONE can be confused-and-abused by a narcissist, I get the old speech about “my” denial. “My” refusal to look at myself. I think it’s completely erroneous and yes, narcissistic, to suggest that the only people who are attracted to a narcissist (or are friends with a narcissist) are wounded by a narcissistic family. That is simply not the case and I have spoken with many, many people on a very intimate level.

There are numerous factors coming in to play when people are being deceived (and this includes the narcissist’s self-deception who may be sincere…in the beginning). There are valid reasons why someone would stay in a narcissistic relationship and that includes platonic friendships. To believe people in narcissistic relationships must have narcissistic parents is like saying people can’t be ”conned” unless their parents are con-artists. The fact is that people are susceptible to being “conned” or “deceived”. To pretend we will never be involved in a narcissistic relationship is to set ourselves up for one.

I have met the most remarkable people this past decade. People who’d do anything for you, and you them. These people are the salt of the earth. We should be so lucky as to “be” one of them. To insinuate that they are all “a mess” otherwise they’d never have befriended the narcissist, is arrogant and fool-headed. I think this topic deserves more than a comment so perhaps I’ll blog about it soon. I’d love to hear your thoughts if you’re in the mind to post about it!


I’ve never looked so dang fine in skinny jeans before! 🙂 I went back and reworded my post, as I thought I sounded a little bit too strident. My father died almost two years ago, and I just didn’t want to get lumped in with those whose childhood bogeyman was actually narcissism. Thank you for your very articulate (as always) clarification. Yes, that’s a post I’d like to write. I better beat you to the punch as you plum the depths of your soul, while I tend to shoot from the hip. Doris Day my a$$! haha! Thanks for inspiring me. Always, Jan

Liked by 1 person

2. Lynette d'Arty-Cross - January 3, 2014

I agree that ANYONE can be seduced by a narcissist; one doesn’t have to have childhood exposure.

Congratulations on your nomination, Jan! Nice work! 🙂

Liked by 1 person

3. Donna - January 3, 2014

Congrats to you!!! I want to thank you for all your comments, friendships and plain old just being available to me. I truly hope your body is healing well and you are on the road to full recovery. Have a very happy, healthy and Blessed New Year 2014!!!

Hi Donna,
It’s so great to hear your “voice.” 🙂 I am feeling so much better. Thanks you for remembering. I’m still in almost daily contact with Lesley and met up with her in Scotland last summer. I took the picture she is using as her gravatar. She’s absolutely lovely! I’m also in contact with Phil from time to time. It’s amazing how life moves on and so can we. Wishing you all the best in 2014. Jan


4. Wendy - January 5, 2014

Jan, congratulations on your award. Your research, writing and wit as well as our long friendship have given me strength over the years.



5. Jessie - January 31, 2015

Hi! This is my first time on your blog and I’ve just finished your close encounters series! Thanks to that I can finally put a finger on what’s disturbing me with my coworker, he is a narcissist! He is so scary and creepy, the creepiest person I have ever met, so I want to ask for advice, how do you ‘slay’ a narcissist? How do you drive them away from your environment?

I’m glad you found the series helpful in identifying just what it was that was not right. I suggest you read the Halycon site as well. When I read what Joanna Ashmun (RIP) wrote, it all clicked with me. It’s on my blogroll. A close encounter with a narcissist tends to leave you feeling off-kilter, but it’s often hard to put your finger on just what it is that’s so unsettling.
Now that almost 8 years have passed, I will say that “Joe” was a coworker. He sought me out as I was the new face on the staff. My new job was very demanding, so to have this person show interest in me was flattering. He often told me strange things just to gauge my reaction?
So you are asking how to make this person go away? I said several things to Joe that I now know were narcissistic injuries. I made several comments that were essentially putdowns to let him know that I knew that he was a phony. Some narcissists might try to reel you in again just to prove they can “have” you. Joe was the other type. He ran for the hills and withdrew all contact. He avoided me at all costs, as he knew I wasn’t impressed with his tales any more and that I had better things to do. He was like a small child in this respect.
Despite the idea perpetuated by the media that all narcissists believe they are gods, those with clinical NPD are actually extremely insecure. It’s been said that being hated is not the worst thing because hating someone requires emotion. The worst thing is indifference, that is, being ignored. Without knowing more, that’s my best thinking ATM. I’m happy to help in any way I can. Always, Jan


jessie0 - February 2, 2015

Thank you so much on your insight Jan! I’m almost in the same situation, it is a new job, I’m already rattled by the environment and then this person annoys the life out me! He is sitting right next to me as I write these lines, can you believe that? I half expect him to just lean in and try to read, as he had done something like that before! I really am at a loss on how to deal with him, and I know that I don’t want to waste time or effort or even thoughts on him. I’ll read your suggestion and let’s hope indifference will make this one run for the hills too, otherwise I’m scared that I’ll be the one running and I hate giving up on things that I tried hard to achieve!

The image of him sitting next to you as you type is priceless. If he is a higher up that’s one thing, but if he’s just someone who’s down the hall or a few cubicles away, (I’m envisioning “Dilbert”) he’s just getting in the way of you getting your work done. You’re the new fresh face and it sounds like he’s just attached himself to you like gum on your shoe? You can just keep working and ignore him. And put a pile of papers on that chair he’s sitting on. It’s hard to know your situation, but depending on how long he’s been working there, he must have some work to do also. And, keep an eye out for the people who are “in the know.” Someone like him who lacks basic personal boundaries has to have attracted the attention of others along the way. Always, Jan


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