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Bad Guys Really Do Get the Most Girls August 2, 2009

Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


After I’d written a recent post on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a friend commented, “I see you’re still into NPD.”  It’s not so much that I’m “into” it, as I’m “onto” it.  I have clarity now about this insidious personality disorder and want to help others.  If you’re a new reader, do not proceed without reading my 3-part series Close Encounter with a Narcissist first. It will bring you up to speed so you don’t need subtitles.

All of the narcissists I’ve seen up close and personal were cerebral, so when readers ask about somatic narcissists, it’s like asking my dog what it’s like to be a cat.  That said, I have friends who’ve been there, done that, and they’ve got stories to tell.

In my opinion, somatic narcissists are quicker to show up on the radar. They’re serial cheaters, always looking for another sexual conquest to keep them high on new Narcissistic Supply (NS). It doesn’t matter if they’re married or in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if YOU are married or in a relationship. They seek sex as validation that the False Self they’ve constructed is, in fact, real. They offer no genuine apologies when they’re caught. Their lack of remorse should be a major Red Flag.

Women have described that often after sex, they felt like they might as well have been a blow up doll. Although all male narcissists prefer autoerotic sex (masturbation and porn) to sex with a real woman, sometimes they manage to have sex with someone/something with a pulse. Pity that person. (If you’re dealing with a woman with NPD, I suggest you check out A Shrink for Men on my blogroll.)

This is in sharp contrast to cerebral narcissists, who can be extremely flirtatious, but quickly lose all interest in sex. It is through witholding sex from their partner that they maintain control. Because they’re essentially asexual, this is no problem for them. My sister-in-law was married to one for 14 years and swore she could count how many times they’d had sex by counting her children. Eight, for the record. At one point, she thought quite possibly her husband was gay because of his lack of interest in sex. Numerous other women have written and asked whether a man with NPD might actually be a latent homosexual. Maybe, but probably not. They’re just not that into women – real ones that is.

I have a married friend who had a brief affair with a man she later realized was a somatic narcissist. He pursued her relentlessly, and then… he was on to the next best thing. She referred me to an article in the New Scientist entitled Bad Guys Really Do Get the Most Girls (Since this post was written, New Scientist only offers an excerpt from the article, unless you subscribe.) It was the first time I’d ever heard of the “dark triad” of personality traits, which includes narcissism.  Machiavellianism, another one of the traits, is anti-social personality disorder by another name. Think: The Bermuda Triangle in human form. And you don’t want to go there.

UPDATE: I just checked the link and the New Scientist, which is out of the UK, now only offers a snippet of the article for free. I subscribed to the New Scientist recently and have it delivered to this antiquated thing called my mailbox. I’ll have to see if I can locate the full article for readers. Jan


1. Bev from england - August 3, 2009

…and of course my N is indeed gay… im still not sure if hes somatic or cerebral….id say the first but then at times it doesnt seem to fit to him at all…..


Bev – I’d say the first too based on what you’ve told me about his dating habits. Jan


2. elissestuart - August 3, 2009

….and of course we know “my” N is cerebral, although now I know that there’s not as much gray matter as he once claimed.
We know he is “into” blow up dolls.

Elisse – You also know a cerebral N can flirt shamelessly and make inappropriate sexual comments. Jan


elissestuart - August 4, 2009

Jan: Yes did I ever, and I am so happy that “relatioNship” is in the past tense.


3. MeMyself&Who - August 3, 2009

Thanks for this Jan.
Read you often but don’t comment much…too much to say & brain going a thousand miles a second haha!

I remember being a little kid and trying to figure out my parents marriage because unlike my friends parents the relationship between my parents seemed so…”sterile”. IF and WHEN they did kiss it was like there was 100 miles between them. Like “Good, God do I have to kiss you?!!” I know most kids don’t want to think about their parents being sexual but it never even ever crossed my mind till a few years ago (they divorced when I was in my early teens, I’m in my late twenties now). Somewhere in there though my mom has hinted that he was seeing other people and he introduced my brother and I to his new girlfriend pretty quickly after the divorce.

He works in a certain field where he can show off his “intellect” and with the family he loves the old mind f*ck as well. I’m not entirely sure what he was like before my brother and I came along, just in thinking about it he seemed/seems get *more* seriously obsessed with his body, health, bragging & flaunting all that off after serious health issues when I was a kid. Can’t really tell if he favors one way more or the other.

Love your name! Thanks too for taking the time to comment. Those with NPD are cerebral or somatic, though during times of stress or upheaval, they might lean to the other side, only to revert back. Many cerebral narcissists work in fields where they can show off their intellect (teaching is a prime example), and most narcissists place a premium on having the illusion of a “normal” family life. Once married, all narcissists demote their wife to a source of secondary supply. Somatic narcissists seek an infusion of primary supply through affairs. Cerebral narcissists take their primary supply in the form of admiration, but are virtually celibate. Keep in mind that somatic narcissists can have a very high intellect. Thanks for giving me something to think about. Jan


MeMyself&Who - August 6, 2009

Thanks for the reply & email. I didn’t know my name wasn’t linking (doh!) so testing to see if it works now.
Egads! I could go on, and on about my dad and striving for the “normal” Leave it to Beaver style home/family (right down to trying to push my mom into fertility treatments instead of adopting. Not sure how she won him over on that one.). That’s how his family tried to look too. Guess why… his dad. From all the stories I’ve heard his dad was an even worse N. Which I hear would be the usual story for most. Scares me, guess though if I am afraid of being a N then I’m probably not.

Don’t know what you did, but now the link is working.:) Jan


Rita - September 17, 2012

“Many cerebral narcissists work in fields where they can show off their intellect (teaching is a prime example), and most narcissists place a premium on having the illusion of a “normal” family life”

WOW you hit the nail right on the head!! My ex boyfriend N is an IT specialist who teaches on a marine base. He used to go
on and on and on and on and on about how he had the most students to sign up for his class. He NEVER listened or took my advice on anything..well “hardly” anything and I remember making the comment to him that he doesn’t listen to people because he is so used to being heard..ooooh the look he gave me..I’m a pretty strong woman who is a professional and did not have a problem telling my N ex when he was wrong and should’ve listened to me. Do ya think that’s why our relationship lasted only 3 months!! hmmm. He definitely seeks out women who can best offer the illusion of normalcy in his life.

Cerebral Ns gravitate to any field where they can present themselves as an authority – teachers, clergy – you name it. They are not open to advice because to accept such advice would mean they are not nearly as omnipotent as they believe themselves to be. Three months? Count yourself very lucky indeed! Jan


4. Michelle - August 3, 2009

Jan you keep chipping away at my marriage… or what was my marriage. My ex-husband is a somatic narcissist, very into porn, masturbation, and also has a gambling habit (thrill seeker). I don’t want to give too many gory details about our sex life, but sexually, he chewed me up and spit me out. I am pretty sure he has had many affairs, although I can’t confirm this.

My daughter’s father is a cerebral narcissist. He was very charming and had lots of personality. But once we became a couple, sex completely stopped. Although I did learn that he was having sex with other women. I was his one chance to create a “normal” family life. The whole thing is very sick and twisted.

I truly believe that because I never recovered from the first narcissist, I found myself in the arms of yet another narcissist. Because I don’t want to continue to repeat this pattern, I keep ripping apart every relationship I have ever had with a man. And it is a pattern… I go from one narcissist to the next. What is it about me? Why am I attracted to them?

One of my friends commented that I love the bad boy. I love what he represents… but now I am far too old to be into the bad boy. Besides, two kids and one really bad divorce later, you would think I have learned my lesson. But now what I am finding… I have no clue what a healthy relationship is. I also have no clue what a normal guy is like, except for my dad. I have a lot of growing up to do…

Michelle – Yikes! You jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. FYI my sister-in-law with the 8 kids actually has 9, but the first is from her first marriage to a man who was also emotionally controlling. She jumped into another marriage before she figured out what went wrong the first time round. Sound familiar?
A therapist friend said usually only those people who have had “previous training” with a narcissist (read mother or father) put up with their behavior for any length of time.) Neither of my parents was narcissistic, but I’ve come to realize that my “true love” in college was most likely a cerebral narcissist. I’m happy to consult with you on your poor choice of men over a pitcher of Richard’s sangria – Just don’t bring a date! 🙂 Jan


5. Lesley - August 4, 2009

Another great blog Jan.
Thank you.


6. Catherine Sherman - August 4, 2009

I hope that enough people read you so that the Ns won’t have anywhere to hide! They’ll all be outed. I’m sure my college “true love” was an N, too. He has an international reputation as being a jerk and a liar, but this past year I saw an article about him that papered over his “house of mean” and other activities that caused him to lose his big job. That’s how Ns get away with it. Charming some new N suppliers who ignore the past. Great article, as always!


7. CZBZ - August 6, 2009

““I see you’re still into NPD.” It’s not so much that I’m “into” it, as I’m “onto” it.”

Great reply, Jan! For those of us who believe we would have suffered far less pain had we known about NPD, sharing information with others becomes a moral duty (in a way).

It’s not so much that I think about NPD, obsess on narcissists, or protest too much, either. But i do care about other people and the diminished quality of their lives simply because they did NOT know about personality disorders.

I really enjoy your blog AND your sense of humor!




8. chicheerz - June 28, 2015

well done teacher.. only way to peace i hope with narcs be this.. “may all joes come out as vaknins.” 🙂

I’m not sure that is an improvement as a “self-aware narcissist,” as Vaknin claims to be, is still an s$$hole.
Always, Jan


9. chicheerz - June 28, 2015

W(h)ell done teacher..
may all Joes come out as vaknins for their own peace as I believe its only them that could not see their kind..
hope love not to be blind at least here for normal empaths..
The everlasting struggle between prevention and cure..NPD..huh


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