Close Encounter with a Narcissist – Part 1 July 5, 2008
Posted by alwaysjan in Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Tags: Health, Life, Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Personality Disorders
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When you’re used to writing with a humorous edge, there’s always the danger that when you have something important, albeit serious, to say, no one will take you seriously. I’m willing to take that chance.
I’m writing this because, first, I want to expunge any lingering demons from my own close encounter with a narcissist. Even more important, as an educator, I’d like to see information about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) become common knowledge. Can you remember back to when you first heard about ADHD or OCD? Even now, you might not know all there is to know (that’s what Wikipedia is for!), but at least you know these disorders are for real. So is NPD. There will be a quiz at the end. Hey, I’m a teacher, and I need to check for understanding.
When most people think of a narcissist, they picture someone obsessed with their physical appearance. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…” I’d certainly never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a real-deal condition laid out in the DSM-IV. But being an experiential learner, I had to learn the hard way. Now I’m an armchair detective in the study of this condition, and I’m finally ready to talk.
I make no excuses for lacking medical or psychological credentials. Narcissists are an elusive breed, so you won’t find them in a therapist’s office embarking on a journey of introspection. When my husband was on jury duty, another potential juror was a therapist. When asked about NPD, the therapist sadly shook his head. ”I’ve actually never seen a client with NPD because they’re convinced they don’t have a problem,” he said. “But they leave a high body count,” he added. ”Their victims are the people who come to see me.”
No wonder. A close encounter with a narcissist can leave you doubting your own sanity. The victim, and there is a victim, is left shaking her head wondering, “What just happened?” (I’ll use the female pronoun since it’s believed that the 50-75 percent of those with NPD are men) Want to get those party guests who’ve overstayed their welcome to leave? Just start talking about NPD. If you try to explain the disorder to friends or family, they look at you like you’re discussing alien abduction or as if you’ve grown another head.
I haven’t sprouted another head yet, have I? Good. Because it’s highly likely you know someone who has NPD. Most likely, they’re flying under your radar. Narcissists make nice to people who are in the position to do something for them, or to people who just don’t have a speaking role in the grand production that is their life. Only those who dare to get emotionally close to a narcissist get to see them drop their carefully crafted social mask.
The DSM - Not A Summer Read
The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) is a hefty tome and is the handbook for mental health professionals. I once trekked to the public library to consult it, after I was told by a therapist that a mutual friend suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. What on earth? I imagined someone teetering on the edge of sanity, in danger of falling overboard. When I finally read the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder, all of the pieces fell into place. There was my friend. I had to sit down to catch my breath. If only I’d kept reading, I would have learned about NPD as well.
My friend with NPD, I’ll call him Joe, entered my orbit through a shared common interest. He seemed intrigued by my enthusiasm and talent. In retrospect, I think he was most drawn to me because although I’m a natural talker, I can also be a good listener. He struck me as someone who needed to talk, but was socially awkward. Initially, I found this endearing. If there was a lull in the conversation, he’d blurt out the strangest comment that had nothing whatsoever to do with what we’d been talking about. I overlooked these gaffes or mentally made excuses for them. He’s obviously uncomfortable talking to women. He’s from a different culture. English is his second language. He had a difficult childhood. He’s just outspoken.
Then one day Joe said something so cruel to me, I can still feel its sting. My eyes welled up with tears. “What’s the matter?” he asked, still smiling. ”Are we thin-skinned?” I realized he was relishing my discomfort. It was creepy. After he left, I replayed the encounter in my head. Then replayed it again. Maybe I’d read too much into it. Later, I would be angry that I didn’t listen to my gut instinct.
Two days later, Joe stopped by to talk. It was as though nothing had ever happened. When I tried to bring the subject up, he dismissed my concern with a wave of the hand, “Nobody got hurt,” he proclaimed. What an odd comment to make, I thought. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Then, based on a hunch, I googled “narcissism.” I discovered there was so much I didn’t know.
DSM–IV Criteria for Diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
To make a diagnosis of NPD, at least five of the following nine behaviors must be evident. Remember that most narcissists are diagnosed in absentia since they’re loath to seek professional help. The comments in bold italics are mine.
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements) Think- Grandiosity accompanied by its sidekick Magical Thinking. He’s so full of himself, he’s convinced he can do anything.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Think “The Secret.” My talents know no bounds!
3. Believes he is “special” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) Think – I’m unique, therefore I’m misunderstood.
4. Requires excessive admiration Think – Look at me Mom! (Any woman can play the role of Mom.)
5. Has a sense of entitlement Think – That doesn’t apply to me!
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends Think – You’re just lucky I chose you to be of service to me, as spending time in my presence is reward enough.
7. Lacks empathy Think – It’s killing me to even pretend that I’m interested in your life or concerns. Your feelings make me feel uncomfortable so get over it!
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him. Think-You have something I want. Can I borrow it so it can become mine?
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes. Think – All this time I just thought he was an @sshole!
Developmental Narcissism
Narcissism, itself, is not inherently bad and is even developmentally appropriate. Children until the age of six are naturally narcissistic. They’re inherently egocentric and “Mine!” is their mantra. This is normal. As children grow older, they become more aware of the needs of others. Prodded by their parents, they learn to share. They learn to take turns. Reluctantly, they relinquish the spotlight.
Adolescents are also prone to narcissistic behavior. “You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know!” punctuated with a slamming door. This kind of narcissism is remedied when real life smacks them with a dose of reality. Mom and dad sever the financial pipeline, or their boss doesn’t find it cute that they were late to work again. Adolescents don’t grow out of it. They grow up.
Many adults show narcissistic traits, which can render them fairly obnoxious at times. But that doesn’t mean they have NPD. If you’re wondering about some of your own less-than-admirable traits, that’s proof positive that you’re NOT a narcissist. Narcissists are convinced that they’re perfect just the way they are. It’s other people who have the problem. Other people, as in the rest of the world. You just need to accept them the way they are. But that’s your problem.
Personality Disorder vs. Mental Illness
How is a personality disorder different from mental illness? I had a hard time initially wrapping my head around this one. A mental illness (schizophrenia being the most widely known) can be treated, with varying degrees of success, with medications or cognitive therapy. Most mental illnesses are caused by brain cell synaptic disruptions, most of which are believed to be genetic in origin. I have friends who are bipolar and as long as they take their meds, any symptoms subside and they feel and act relatively “normal.” Mental illnesses typically present themselves in late adolescence or early adulthood. The onset of the mental illness is often sudden and profound. A mental illness descends over a person’s personality like a heavy wool blanket feels on an already warm summer night.
A personality disorder, on the other hand, is all pervasive. The DSM-IV describes a personality disorder as “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.”
With mental illness, a person’s personality is blanketed, or suffocated, by the onset of the mental illness. But the personality of someone with a personality disorder is virtually interwoven into every fiber of that blanket. Unravel the blanket and you unravel their personality.
So someone doesn’t have a personality disorder; they ARE the personality disorder. These personality traits are so deeply ingrained that they defy change. That brings me to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
An Analogy
Calcutta, India has the highest population density of any city on Earth, most of whom live in wretched poverty. Because only central Calcutta is serviced by sewers, during the monsoon season, raw sewage floods the streets. Helping the poor of Calcutta was Mother Teresa’s life’s work.
I had a friend who spent most of his childhood in Calcutta. One day we were shopping and he asked me to tell him which cologne smelled the best. He claimed to have no sense of smell. I was incredulous. My friend said rather matter-of-factly that he’d lost his sense of smell when he lived in India. He didn’t seem to view this as any sort of disability, for this “loss” he said, had spared him from smelling the stench of humanity in Calcutta.
Now, I lived in New York City for 11 years, so I know first hand that there are smells worse than death. I saw how one homeless man, passed out and simmering in his own juices, could empty an entire subway car during the peak of rush hour. Just a whiff of a decomposing rat could make me retch.
But though this “loss” protected my friend against the putrid odors of Calcutta, it also robbed him of the ability to enjoy the sweet fragrance of night-blooming jasmine, the crisp smell of fresh basil, or the garlicky preview of a dinner to come. It was all or nothing. A package deal.
Are you still with me? Because I’m going to ask you to take a big step now.
Picture a small child, totally dependent on his mother to meet his emotional needs. Now what if it’s not putrid odors that assault the child’s senses, but human interactions themselves. A neglectful, abusive, or even an indifferent mother who leaves the child constantly feeling emotionally adrift. Or a dominating mother who won’t allow the child to be himself.
Just like my friend, who “lost” his sense of smell, some children, as a coping mechanism to survive the pain of emotional abandonment, tune out the very people who are inflicting the injury. But again, it’s a package deal, because the child tunes out all other humans as well. It’s as though the child “loses” his sense of people. People in the sense that they are caring others. It’s a high price to pay, but it protects the child from future emotional hurt. The child’s immature True Self is “safe” behind a psychological mask. This mask is what’s referred to in psychiatry as the False Self. Unable to trust those who should be nearest and dearest, the child turns his attention to someone who will never abandon him - himself.
The False Self not only protects the child from further injury. It embodies everything the child is not. While the child is powerless and vulnerable, the False Self of the narcissist presents itself as all knowing and all powerful. But behind the mask of the False Self, lies an injured child. An emotional embryo.
Now if you’re a caring person, at this point you probably feel sorry for this child. Don’t bother – it’s too late. The child doesn’t feel sorry for you. This poor little child is now an adult. And it’s time for the victim to become the victimizer.
After I learned about NPD, I continued to be Joe’s “go to” person for several months. I so wanted to be wrong. It was only with my newly gained knowledge that I was able to fully see him for what he was, or more importantly, for what he wasn’t.
But what about the quiz, you ask? Just answer one simple question. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a _ _ _ _. Congratulations! You passed!
PART 2 The End Game of Devalue and Discard; Meet the Adult Narcissist; Humans = Things, Emotional Vampirism, and the answer to this analogy: As a CROSS is to a VAMPIRE; ____________ _____________ is to a NARCISSIST.
Click on the this link to read “Close Encounter with a Narcissist – Part 2″
Photo credit: Unicorn Mask by Matty on flickr.
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I get to be the first-
Wow, bravo Jan. You nailed it.
Hi Jan –
Fascinating story – everyone has difficult people in their lives, however, sometimes those people can have clusters of extreme traits that may meet personality disorder characteristics. I enjoyed your post and look forward to part 2.
If you want to dig into the subject further from a diagnostic standpoint, we have recently licensed a good chunk of the DSM-IV where you can read more about NPD here:
http://www.mindsite.com/dsm_iv/narcissistic_personality_disorder
July 2009 Note to readers – Although this link initially DID provide entire sections of the DSM-IV on-line, this is no longer the case.
It now offers surveys to determine psychiatric/psychological problems for a fee. Jan
Jan,
Beautiful, clear writing as always. I would be interested in any stories you may have picked up from other people. I would be happy to share more of mine with you…there are unfortunately so many of them!
Please keep posting about NPD, you have a world of knowledge to share.
Wendy
I have been involved with a narcissistic man on and off for five years.I always felt that something had to be wrong with him mentally because of his weird behavior and most of all his coldness and lack of feeling toward people.this man hurts everyone that comes in contact with him including family members.I never understood how anyone could be so cold.I fell deeply in love with him and his ability to turn on and off drove me into a deep depression.The relationship was very emotionally draining and had me doubting my sanity and my womanhood.I am a successful woman and I have a lot of things going for me but his constant rejection took almost all of my self esteem.I could not understand how I could love someone who has nothing going for himself and who treated me like crap.When I typed in narcissism on the web and read the articles. It was like opening a door for me.I thought that narcissim was just a term used to describe a selfish person but now that I know that this person is sick I can move on and not look back.thank you lord!
Just read your post now, jan. Thanks for your great insights and honest sharing. We should all continue to share insights like this to help others deal with their NPD-afflicted counterparts. Countless emotional struggles are occurring due to this.
Jan-
You sound as though you had first hand experience with the door slamming and the “you aren’t the boss of me!”
This is a piece you should be proud of. It’s clear and concise. It brings tears to my eyes with the description of the child…before he/she became an N. That was my friend. I remember the stories he told me of the abuse he suffered. It is tragic, but there’s nothing I can do to help him ‘fix’ it.
my father was a classic narcissist.he was married to a woman (my mum) who all her life was, too, a narcissist. one of my brothers I fear is also. They undermine every achievement with a heart stopping accuracy and coldness that you are left to wonder your own sanity. They contradict themselves just to oppose an opinion you may have dared utter. As a child you are dependent upon their guidance,encouragement,world perspective. But as a child they train you to know that you are worthless (to them),but you must accept it and pretend that it is normal,so you question…. does every parent act like this,is everybody just ‘acting’ normal. I began to think and unfortunately hoped that all parents did hate their children and it was normal to degrade and emotionally abuse friends,especially boyfriends. obviously friends abandon you,you don’t realize why as nothing seems to fit together. I knew i was not normal.it is such a relief to know that it is they who have a disease of the mind……and very soul.my parents watched me suffer for years with a slow growing brain tumor..i survived but my father said….’the worst thing that could happen is you don’t fully recover and we might have to look after you’.yeah…that would be a serious annoyance for you? it never came to pass and i thank you lord.
emz -
Congratulations! You’re a survivor twice over, but I’m sorry you had to go to hell and back to earn that distinction. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to have grown up in the shadow of a narcissist/s. They are verbal snipers who do their target practice on those closest to them. As I result, those in the line of fire began to edit what they say, so as not to bring on this abuse. Slowly, you realize you can’t be “you.” This erosion of personal identify can be subtle, but profoundly damaging to a person’s self-esteem. Jan
A note on personality and the subject of disorder: a person can be narcissistic, but in my dealings with professionals, a “disorder” is only applicable when said person cannot function in a daily routine any longer, thus in need of treatment.
I like to point this out because the diverse world of personality development encompasses all humans in that personality development occurs over the duration of time: everyone suffers from drawbacks in their personality. Wasn’t till I studied psychology that I learned the difference between a person’s personality disposition–rather ingrained or developed–and the meaning of a true disorder, such as cases like Sybil, where she could no longer work at her job, and needed psychological treatment.
Great Read! : )
liwinter -
I agree that personality development occurs over time. But those with personality disorders don’t have a “developing” personality – it actually amounts to stunted growth. Personality disorders have their roots in early childhood and are not responsive to treatment – therapy or meds, though those with a dual diagnosis might show some improvement in managing some of their symptoms. But, a personality disorder is the person’s “baseline” personality. Despite difficulties it causes them in life, they are not motivated to change. They ALWAYS revert to this disordered baseline personality, no matter how much pain it causes others. Jan
OMG–
“you think you are going crazy”
“you can’t be you”
and on and on. I know a thing or two about NPD, having lived with one, my husband, for over 30 years.
It (NPD) doesn’t hurt them. “They are not motivated to change…no matter how much pain it causes others.” And truly, “the victims are the people who come to see me (the therapist).”
I actually copped to a mental illness, because he continually pointed out how unbalanced my responses were to his behaviors where “nobody got hurt.” Finally, a trusted therapist disabused me of that notion or diagnosis, and we are still trying to get me out of this mess. Read: Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD.
Thanks for your clarity.
I thank GOD for the Internet for finding information that led to my “diagnosis” of NPD to my “friend”. I had a close “friend”, who I always thought was my buddy. After going through hell and back, I look back on the things he did to me and shudder at the sheer stupidity in myself for allowing it to continue as long as it did. It made me feel I was just plain stupid to be friends with him in the first place while everyone else knew there was something “wrong” with him. After extensive personal research on the Internet, I have learned that my “friend” built his world around me and built my perspective of others. I lost all of my friends because they were afraid I would “bring” him along with me whenever they invited me to join them. It was actually my NPD “buddy” who, always at the right time, showed up right before I was ready to go to an outing and said something like he was bored and wanted to join me. He set me up so I couldn’t say no and assumed others would not mind having him there at an outing. I was always “wrong” and he always, ALWAYS pulled everyone around him down. When I emotionally crashed and realized it wasn’t me and found out about NPD, I started to actually 99% accurately predict his next step, to the “T”. I knew when he would do something when I did specific things. (Ignore his emails, ignore his texts, etc….) I am still in the recovery process and it is actually harder to get rid of him from being around me than it is to let him in my circle. He’s playing the game to people in my “circle” like, “What did I do wrong?” “Have you seen “Bob”? (Bob = me) “I guess friends come and go.” And in front of his own wife, he asked me, “Why are you avoiding me? What did I do wrong?” And his wife looked at me like I was the problem when I know, for a fact, deep inside she knows what’s wrong but just can’t pinpoint it.
How do I get rid of him? What’s the best way? And should I tell his wife if she confronts me because she is involved in the community and I see her regularly? I practically know him better than his wife does and she’s not stupid. To show how severe he is, there’s a questionnaire on the Internet somewhere with 20 questions related to NPD. If 5 of those questions are answered with a “yes”, then the person probably has NPD. Well, when I took the questionnaire, all 20 questions were answered with a “yes”.
I could go all day on this subject and barely scratch the surface about events that have happened between us. He has done more damage to me than he will ever know and ever since I’ve cut him off, my friends have started contacting me again and inviting me back into their activities, within 2 weeks of cutting him off. Now he’s going around, quizzing my friends about me. I just want to “mentally” shoot him sometimes but then, he wins.
The next step he’s going to take is (already predicted), he will approach me and make me feel like I am his closest buddy and he would want to work things out because he “heard” things from others and “heard” that I was having an issue with him, when in reality, he made it all up based on the fact I cut him off. I was never, in his eyes, his buddy. Only an asset.
What do I say when that day comes, which will be SOON!
Bob-
I agree that the internet has been a godsend! At first I thought your post was from a friend, who’d confided that he thought a close childhood friend had NPD. One of his other friends wasn’t in his wedding party because he didn’t want to be with the friend in question.
I’m afraid this is a case of, “you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” I, too, could predict how my “friend” was going to respond once I knew he had NPD. I’m of the opinion (and it’s just an opinion), that no matter what you do, someone is going to end up unhappy. The important thing is that YOU are happy, knowing you made the decision that was ultimately best for you. Your “friend” will make an issue of this and continue alienating your other friends. He’ll pull the guilt trip and make you out to be an unfair, insensitive “so-called friend.” The truth is irrelevant when it comes to those with NPD. So you’ll have to decide what you can live with.
I have a close friend who was at wit’s end as to what was going on with her husband. It was only after a relative who was going through a divorce told her his wife had NPD, that she found out about this disorder. I’m all for education, but any time you tell someone something like this, you must be prepared for them to shoot the messenger. It’s a bitter pill for them to swallow, but for those who’ve suffered for years, sometimes it’s a revelation. Jan
Jan,
Thank you for your response. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!” hits the target. It’s worse than having the flu for a year. I would very much rather have the flu for year, (knocking on wood), than dealing with this crap.
Even worse, I’m in a “small town” culture so “everyone knows everyone”. I’ve already prepared my friends for the attacks and manipulations from the narcissist and they’re the ones who noticed the signs earlier on and stepped back even further. The actual victims of this narcissist, I’ve told them about “NPD” and told them to “Google” it. Their jaws dropped and continue to stay open because they thought there was no word or label to describe the narcissist.
The weak friends who like to be entertained are the ones that are at risk. They are “crowd pleasers” and will continue to entertain the narcissist because they enjoy the attention in return because of the contributions that they can give to the narcissist. (For example: free labor around the house, free intelligent information from various corporations, and free food). It’s sad but that’s the way it is. People in general like attention and like to talk about themselves but a narcissist will always shrug them off, belittle them, talk about themselves and in the end, praise them right before they leave his house or his circle.
In my case, I have a friend who knows about the situation and his wife has been hurt and I’ve been hurt (I’m a close friend of his) and he continues to entertain the narcissist. I still don’t get it but….. it’s human nature, I guess. That’s how I was dragged on as long as I was with this narcissist.
Thanks for your response. It helps knowing people can relate. All the victims I know of this specific narcissist has gone through severe depression. It would be better off if he was dead and people would only show up to his funeral to make damn sure he was in a casket. It may be a bad thing for me to say about him but again, “Damn if I do, damn if I don’t.”
- Bob
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There’s a word that seems to be missing in all the discussions of NPD. Plausible. And that’s the key to the invisibility and the charm.
I was married to one until 2000. She got the kids. For the past 8 years, the kids and I have been getting it from her.
Only very recently has the light turned on – It’s all about the plausible.
Can we build defenses on that foundation???
Stu- The words plausible, believable, or credible (as opposed to implausible, unbelievable, or incredible!) are all worthy of building a foundation on, as the cornerstone is “Truth.” Once you stop making excuses for someone else’s behavior, it’s easier to see how ridiculously implausible that behavior is. I listened to lots of stories and justifications that just didn’t add up – Major red flags. Since she has the kids, you have your work cut out for you. But it’s a matter of getting your head screwed on straight first. It’s like when you’re on the plane and they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try and help the kids. May you find the strength you’ll need. Jan
Confessions:
Today I found out I have this disorder. Everything in this article is a huge revelation into who I am. I hit 9/9 signs that i’m a narcissist. My father did emotionally neglect me. I remeber asking him as a child is it ok for a man to cry. He said “no”. Do normal parents give this advice? He puts my mother through hell telling her she is stupid when its not necessary. He likes to come off as better then every one else since he is an engineer yet he has no friends and no life experience to brag about. He only has his wife, his work, and a bunch of books and I’m feeling more estranged after 26 years.
Up until 12 I can’t remeber if I reject my mothers love or it was never given to me. I just don’t know. My memories of child hood are with me by my self trying to exploring the world, getting rejected, and finding it difficult to fit in. As an only child I was never given wisdom on sharing so I had huge sense of entitlement when i was given things I didn’t deserve.
Before adolescence I exaggerated and lied a lot but I never knew if I was ling. It was a habit to impress every one. I just never knew i was ling.
Before today I thought my life, my child hood, being thick skinned, always selling your self… was how every one else was raised. It might not be. Everyone else in this world seemed to be given an edge in life by being told the intricacies of how to be normal and act normal and live happy. Maby love and attention with a bit of wisdom was all that was need to be a good parent. Maby they were good parents and i was just a bad child. But just like my father I have a lack of empathy and love. Will i ever find it? I often think I will die alone and I mutilated my self because my failures.
Today my professional/school life is ok. I will be graduating soon. I never lie and try to keep things honest and transparent. But when it comes to “friends”/”Acquaintances” I do exaggerate to make people think I’m doing better then ok in life (mask). I know for certain my professional life is good and it is the only thing i can take pride in. But my social life is fill with anxiety, fear of failure, not appearing perfect, and ultimately being alone.
I mostly hide from everyone fearing i will look like mess to everyone if they know i have no friends and that I will be graduating late. I further alienate my self from the people who my care with the “mask”. Every ones vision of me has to be perfect. But now I know every thinks im a loser.
So now i have ADD and NDP.
Where do i go from here?:
I relay don’t have any one to confide in anymore… i might see a therapist on this one and tell him I have NDP… (i also have been medically diagnosed with ADD, i’m relay slow, half retarded)… but almost graduating University (i’m very persistent).
I was always out of place and often wondered why my best friend never brings me up during conversations over the phone. Its like my name was a plague. I know why now. I’m a douche bag. but i’m not sure if its my fault or my parents.
I hope i can change….i want to be happy. i want to be loved… im asking for a regular life. but the side of me i need to let go is i wanting to be better then everyone else.
From what was said in the article, there is no magic pill for NDP. “I think therefor I am” and I am the disorder. I feel like such a disease. I am the disease.
At these moments i use to cower away and be self-destructive.. today I see I can at-least be normal. I just wish i was told off the bat how to live life properly.
Cold – “Today I found out…” Who says you have NPD? I just want to say up front that self-diagnosis of this disorder doesn’t bode well. I want to reiterate that people with NPD are convinced THEY don’t have a problem – it’s every one else. So, though you are hurting, I think it’s highly unlikely that you have NPD. Only a professional, or those closest to you (and not your own family as they obviously have their own issues), can make this call.
Sounds like you’re all too aware of what was lacking in your childhood. It’s not so much about what parents “taught” you. I think it goes deeper than that. Narcissistic parents tend to treat their children as appendages of themselves, like little dolls. We teach our children through our actions, and obviously those action taken/not taken influenced you profoundly.
If you’d like to read more about NPD, on my Blogroll I have links to Halycon, a site I personally found extremely helpful in sorting out NPD. I’ve recently added A Shrink for Men, as the author, who is also a professional clinician, is more in tune with the needs of men.
I’d recommend that you see a professional who can do a more thorough job of analyzing your situation. Feeling alone in the world sucks, but at least you can put your malaise into words. That’s a starting point. The next step is yours. Jan
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[...] written by a California teacher with a witty sense of humor and great research skills. She wrote an excellent series about narcissim and Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I greatly admired. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since because I’ve had a few [...]
[...] term” I’ve come across as a jumping off point for a discussion. (Please read my Close Encounter with a Narcissist series first, or it’s like walking in after the movie’s started. Shhhh!) Here [...]
[...] had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). (You can read about THAT experience in my 3-part Close Encounter with a Narcissist series.) NPD is one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders in the DSM-IV, which are often referred [...]
[...] educate others. If you’re a new reader, do not proceed without reading my 3-part series Close Encounter with a Narcissist first. It will bring you up to speed so you don’t need subtitles. [...]
I never understood so clearly what was meant by mirror until your brilliant synopsis:
The mirror has one purpose. It’s to reflect back to the narcissist the image his False Self projects to the world.
Every time I listened attentively and nodded my head or smiled, this was confirmation to Joe that the grandiose image his False Self projected to the world was, in fact, real. He liked the reflection of himself that he saw in my mirror. He found it flattering.
I’ve been reading about this for three years, still stuck in a stage of dreaming that he can be what he was during that idealization stage.
Your clarity will hopefully move me along!
Cindy – Your comment made my day! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. Jan